李佳薇 - 煎熬

Not dead yet. Why?

Damn

Back to love-jl because its just me. HAHA no la actually its because I can't be bothered to relink the nuffnang ad! Blog soon. Pictures are everywhere and I'm not tagged on fb coz I deactivated it for awhile :'(

Now excuse me while I engage in a soliloquy of random words that come to my head from this moment on:

Life's been really shitty to me these days. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm slowly shutting out on everyone I love. I'm too much of a mistake I realise. And the person that I needed most to get me past this turmoil has already left. I know I can't blame it on him but myself, but sometimes, everyone needs a helping hand. I still don't understand why anyone would leave me when I need them most. I hate what's happening to my family. Financial crisis? Idk what the hell my dad's doing and I haven't been talking to my mom since her son's the only right one in this fucking household. I honestly don't know how long more I can hold out. I'm getting really tired. Tired of crying, tired of laughing, tired of smiling, tired of pretending, tired of everything. When will I ever be able to feel fine? I don't need to be happy, I just need to feel fine. I need some hope in life. I've lost all hope in every single thing. I don't know how to trust people anymore because I'm always disappointed. I don't know how I'll ever feel for anyone again because the people close to me disappoint me all the time. I read my horoscope and its a bad thing with regards to my future. It said I'll have many failed marriages. I didn't want to read it but since Sarah had that app and told me about it I just read it anyways. I know its just a bloody iphone app but come on, who wouldn't be sad if he/she read that about herself? I don't know if its going to come true but it was pretty much QUITE accurate? I know the future lies in my own hands but when it comes to the future and love.........no one really can do anything because its up to the other half to make it work. I've already had 2 failed relationships. Not a lot at all but I'm someone who's very emotional and I don't like losing anyone even if its just a friend? I don't dare to get into another relationship anymore because I'm so afraid that even if I actually get married there's still a chance it'll not work out? I don't dare to take the risk. I should have thought about all this before jumping headfirst into anything in the first place. Too late to regret now. Will I ever get over the fear? I'm so afraid to let anyone else in. Cautious about every new person I meet, in fear that if I ever let my guard down I'll just get torn apart into shreds and I'll have to spend every minute picking up the pieces of me. Why are humans so scary? Why do I have to be wired in such a way that I am so emotional it gets ahead of me albeit me trying VERY hard to contain it in? In the first place will I even be able to fall for someone else again and have that same someone fall for me too? I don't have confidence in myself. No looks, no brains, no figure. What kind of a girl am I? I don't feel good enough for myself. If I don't feel good enough for myself, how am I going to be good enough for anybody? I am so stuck I need to be happy again. No I mean I need to feel fine again. Alone. I need to wake up. I think I need counselling. Going mental if I continue to allow myself to be stuck in this rut of a pity party I've been hosting since eons ago.

Very, very thankful for the people that have stood by me/gave me advice/cheered me up. Angels, I'd say. :') Y'all know who you are. X

Tippytoes

So.............. This is going to be a very very wordy post. Today I headed to Fairmont @ Raffles City for Meh's birthday suite with her friend Brenda. NOT SUIT AH SUITE!!!!!!!! It was quite awkward but oh well we survived. Tiffy, Sf and Lisa went ☺ Saw Jiayi and Haikel again. Funny ah Haikel. Cannot maintain one. Cabbed home with the dig-nose aunty Sf. Hahahaha

Got off the cab and talked about me. About the failed relationship. About how I should actually be moving on. Talked so much we actually went to the bus stop and sat down. Then we saw Charles get off Kaiting's car and inside were 2 higly intoxicated guys, Jasper and Shawn. Stopped the car, they got off. Stood there and talked for awhile before we all went home. (YES JASPER WE NEED TO BE HAPPY!!!!) Sent Sf with Charles then Charles sent me. SO LAME HAHAHAHA WE ALL LIVE A BLOCK AWAY. Nonetheless its nice seeing friends you don't really see around although you live near so yep. ☺

Time to be happy. (✿◠‿◠) Looking forward to clubbing with the girls and sentosa with the netballers!!!
٩(•̮̮̃-̃)۶ PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HEHE

Can't wait to get my pay!!!!!!! [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ιοο̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]


****
In this world full of hurt and pain,
I need someone who would help me through the rain.
To comfort me when Im sad,
Doing everything just to make me glad.

In this world I need a Brave Knight,
Who would never give up any fight.
A knight who would dry away my tears,
Telling me to overcome my fears.

A knight who loves me for who I am inside,
With him there's nothing more I need to hide.
A person who will still be standing strong,
Eventhough everything has gone wrong.

I need someone who is willing to give me more,
Someone I can call my Knight In Shining Armor.
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❤

Love is so weird. To me, it starts from physical attraction? Then its personality. Then you get together and show each other your true selves. True selves meaning how you both behave around your own family and friends, all your unglam moments, morning breaths, uncombed hair and such. But for all this to happen, we need Fate. I didn't ask to meet you, neither did you ask to meet me, but we still met.

Everyone says you're not worth it. But you are to me. What do they know? They only hear my side of the story, they only see my pain. They don't know the love we shared, they don't hear you complaining, they don't see your pain. It doesn't mean you don't hurt. Maybe you really don't, but then again, maybe you don't show it because you know its best for me. I know best. We know best. All the changes we made to our lives, all the things we did for each other. Without love we really wouldn't have done so much. Doing so much also meant commitment. It comes to a point where its not only just love, but also commitment. You give each other the power to make or break you, trusting the person not to hurt you. Commitment means no cheating, and living by the rules you both set for each other. Restrictions and all.

Truth is, everyone will hurt you. Those who hurt you most will be those you care for the most. Everyone is different. No 2 people will get along SO well they don't ever quarrel. No one. Its not fully the person's fault if he/she hurts you. Know why? Because when you care, every single thing this person does will make an impact to you. Let's say you see A and B quarrelling by the roadside. They're both strangers and you don't know them personally. B cheated on A. Would you honestly give a fuck about A? You would definitely feel sad, but would you care so much to be sad over B for A? No. That's because you're not A, and although you are sad, you don't care about B enough to be sad over B.

To you, you told me love is all about happiness. I think that you don't know enough. No matter who you're with, you will quarrel with her. Don't say there's a possibility you won't. Because if you won't, its worse. I have a friend who had a girlfriend. They never quarrelled once in their entire relationship. NEVER. Then one day he spoke up. He wanted the breakup. Guess what the girl did? Nothing. Because they both felt that they were like normal friends. Too normal they don't even quarrel. It lasted for 2 months. Love is not all about happiness. Love is about happiness, and all the other emotions you ever feel in life. While talking to Sf just now, she actually told me something that I thought was absolutely true.

"You love someone as a whole. Not only for the good parts, but for the bad parts as well. You must remember that although this person makes you sad and makes you cry, this person is also the one that will make you laugh. That will make you happy again no matter how sad you may be at one point."

Something along those lines. Also, I was thinking a lot while taking a dump in the toilet just now. I realised words mean nothing to me now. Remember how you felt so unimportant when I always said I wanted to breakup with you? I'm sorry for making you feel that way. But if you actually think back, did you realise I never really left? I was always there, I never ignored you for long. I entertained to your requests. Did you ever think why I always mentioned 'breakup'? You once told me: "Why do you always realise your mistakes only when we're at the breaking point?" That was the reason. It was only when I mentioned the words 'breakup', you would then try your best to get me back. It was only then, I saw your effort. I never really meant those words, because I never really wanted to end. I wanted us to last forever, and bring meaning to the word 'forever'. I wanted to show everyone that love lasts, and it can last forever.

Do you also realise that although I was the one that kept mentioning I wanted to give up, I am actually still here? But you, the one that 'never gives up' is actually long gone? I thought we were strong. So strong I didn't have to worry about anything. I knew that we would always be okay at the end of the day. You may think that I'm taking you for granted by saying that, but no. Because I knew I would ALWAYS be there for you no matter how tough times were, I THOUGHT you would always be there for me too. That's what I thought. Because that's what a relationship is supposed to be; being there for each other because you have committed to be. Commitment means you can never leave as and when you like it because its too tiring or tough, but instead, solve it together. I was wrong about you because you chose to leave. And because of that, I've learnt that, whatever I'm willing to do for you, you may not be willing to do the same for me. I learnt it the hard way.

Makes me very afraid. You were perfect to me. You were my boyfriend and my best friend. It really felt like I lost 2 people at once. I was lost. All of a sudden you could do anything you wanted and I was no one to stop you. You should know why I wanted to stop you. If you stopped, you stand to gain. Together or not, as long as you listened to my advice, you would stand to gain, not me. Still, its none of my business now. But even if it was a friend, I would do the same, and say the same things. I expected more out of you because I thought I was important enough to you, and for you to take my advice into consideration. But still, you took it as stress, and now, you're doing it excessively. Honestly I know you hate this because you don't want to give a fuck anymore. Think about your family, think about your future. If you want to continue doing all this and spending money like its freeflow, continue. You are so easily influenced. Yes, you only have 1 life, you want to have fun. THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN HAVING FUN, AND HAVING FUN EXCESSIVELY.

Look at yourself, look at the people around you. And think properly. Do you have the means to enjoy like they can? Ignoring problems won't solve them, it will just hide them. And when the time comes for you to deal with it, it will be too late. Health is an important issue. Without health? I can confidently tell you your future will be gone. Parents will be too old to care for you. And you? Young, but you can't even take care of yourself now, how do you take care of them in the future? When you want to, your health won't let you, this I'm damn sure. If you can eliminate the risks of cancer and bike accidents, why not? I'm not saying by not smoking/drinking you won't have a risk of cancer. What I'm saying is that if you DO smoke and drink, the risks are obviously HIGHER.

Because of this whole thing, I find it hard to trust anyone now. The person I THOUGHT would never leave no matter how hard things were(you promised, but talk is cheap, you gave up), still left in the end. I'm here standing alone. No one remembers the good things you've done. Only when you let them down do they remember it so well. While I'm here being all naggy and sad and still caring, you're probably happy drinking and smoking your life away, partying with your friends and the girl you have a crush on. I have done more than what I can do, and said more than I should say. Its all up to you, whether you want to change for YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY(not me.), or continue killing yourself slowly and ignoring every problem you face thinking it will dissolve into thin air. You don't need a break from everything. You are just too weak to deal with it.

You had me to deal it with you, but you chose to be sad and weak alone. You ever said that you'd rather be sad with me than sad alone. At least we could be sad together. Where did that spirit go to? Wake up already, before its too late. You don't have to be together with me. But please be smart and think for your family and your future because these are more important now, compared to your partying and flirting. :) I may not have been the best, but I assure you I gave you all I could. I'm losing faith in finding love again. Thank you for teaching me so many wonderful things in life, but also thanks to you, my heart is completely broken. You not only broke my heart, you took my care for you as stress, you walked on and never looked back. All I can say is, I'm sorry I was never enough. Whatever it is, I hope you're finally genuinely happy now.
✿◕ ‿ ◕✿
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Such a long post!! I actually took 2 hours to type all that. Oh well. Now that all is said and done, its time to go to bed. Its already 7am in the freakin' morning and the birds are chirping. Hair's almost dry now, yay hehehe.

Blog again when I feel like it. X

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