Damn

Back to love-jl because its just me. HAHA no la actually its because I can't be bothered to relink the nuffnang ad! Blog soon. Pictures are everywhere and I'm not tagged on fb coz I deactivated it for awhile :'(

Now excuse me while I engage in a soliloquy of random words that come to my head from this moment on:

Life's been really shitty to me these days. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm slowly shutting out on everyone I love. I'm too much of a mistake I realise. And the person that I needed most to get me past this turmoil has already left. I know I can't blame it on him but myself, but sometimes, everyone needs a helping hand. I still don't understand why anyone would leave me when I need them most. I hate what's happening to my family. Financial crisis? Idk what the hell my dad's doing and I haven't been talking to my mom since her son's the only right one in this fucking household. I honestly don't know how long more I can hold out. I'm getting really tired. Tired of crying, tired of laughing, tired of smiling, tired of pretending, tired of everything. When will I ever be able to feel fine? I don't need to be happy, I just need to feel fine. I need some hope in life. I've lost all hope in every single thing. I don't know how to trust people anymore because I'm always disappointed. I don't know how I'll ever feel for anyone again because the people close to me disappoint me all the time. I read my horoscope and its a bad thing with regards to my future. It said I'll have many failed marriages. I didn't want to read it but since Sarah had that app and told me about it I just read it anyways. I know its just a bloody iphone app but come on, who wouldn't be sad if he/she read that about herself? I don't know if its going to come true but it was pretty much QUITE accurate? I know the future lies in my own hands but when it comes to the future and love.........no one really can do anything because its up to the other half to make it work. I've already had 2 failed relationships. Not a lot at all but I'm someone who's very emotional and I don't like losing anyone even if its just a friend? I don't dare to get into another relationship anymore because I'm so afraid that even if I actually get married there's still a chance it'll not work out? I don't dare to take the risk. I should have thought about all this before jumping headfirst into anything in the first place. Too late to regret now. Will I ever get over the fear? I'm so afraid to let anyone else in. Cautious about every new person I meet, in fear that if I ever let my guard down I'll just get torn apart into shreds and I'll have to spend every minute picking up the pieces of me. Why are humans so scary? Why do I have to be wired in such a way that I am so emotional it gets ahead of me albeit me trying VERY hard to contain it in? In the first place will I even be able to fall for someone else again and have that same someone fall for me too? I don't have confidence in myself. No looks, no brains, no figure. What kind of a girl am I? I don't feel good enough for myself. If I don't feel good enough for myself, how am I going to be good enough for anybody? I am so stuck I need to be happy again. No I mean I need to feel fine again. Alone. I need to wake up. I think I need counselling. Going mental if I continue to allow myself to be stuck in this rut of a pity party I've been hosting since eons ago.

Very, very thankful for the people that have stood by me/gave me advice/cheered me up. Angels, I'd say. :') Y'all know who you are. X