Firstly, friends. I'm so afraid of letting anyone in already. By that I don't mean another random dude that's going to capture my heart and break it in the end again, but just anyone that even wants to be my friend. All the people you love, will let you down. And vice versa, you will also be a letdown to the people you love in one way or another. I don't want to let down the people I love, neither do I want to be let down. So many things have been happening these days, I wonder when its ever going to end. I treasure each and every person I'm friends with, aquaintance or best bud. I cry a lot whenever I lose someone in my life. I don't know why I'm such a softie. I may be guilty of saying harsh things - so harsh they may ruin everything I ever have with that someone I was harsh to. But everytime after I say all that mean crap, I feel guilty and bad even if I wasn't so much in the wrong. No, I am not saying that I don't have faults at all, I do. I just feel stupid to say all that and in the end regret all I say. Why the hell must I be like that? I really hate it so much. Its also because of this that I actually am afraid to let anyone else in? I have such a short fuse its annoying. I also complain so much more than a typical Singaporean does.
I complain a lot on twitter, so much that I comtemplate deleting twitter to save all my poor followers' spammed timelines. What I don't understand is, the people that I THOUGHT were understanding enough to understand why I actually rant so much on twitter, were the ones who unfollowed me first. I thought we were friends. I did say that if anyone didn't like it, they could unfollow. What I didn't expect was it to be them. I understand that we're not close at all, just hi-bye friends, but as I already said, I hate losing people who have already came into my life somehow or other. It made me think I was not worthy a friend to them. I unfollowed them too. Not because I was childish, but because they made a decision to judge and leave my life. You guys know too little to judge. So why do that? Ask if you don't know? I obviously have my reasons for tweeting all I did tweet, and I pointed out my faults too. So why claim that I only point out his faults but not my own? The worst thing is that now whenever they do see me in real life (rarely), they say hi without looking me in the eye. Worse still, they don't even say hi at all. Why? :'(
Then its the netballers. ML, I don't know if you're reading this, but I really need to talk to you okay? Don't draw the line between our friendship just because we're all talking to S. Its not about taking sides. I am disappointed that you actually unfollowed us all except a few. What was that for? :'( This whole thing was a misunderstanding and you both need to learn how to grow together as friends. Friends never leave each other because of small quarrels like these because it helps us learn and grow closer. Don't assume that we're all against you because we are not. I really want to talk to you but I don't know how to approach you. I've tried to text you but your reply was not what I wanted. What I wanted was for you to just open up and talk to us. Come to us and tell us what you're feeling. We need you in our lives, so come and talk to us when you feel you're ready. I'm not going to sugarcoat this because honestly speaking? What you are doing now is not right. You don't ignore people just because they are friends with the person you're unhappy with. Okay? You learn how to cope with problems and accept your faults, you don't run away from them and act like nothing is wrong because you know that deep inside, you miss everything and you want to come back. We will be waiting :)
As for Z, I already sent you a message. I hope you reply positively tomorrow. We were both misunderstanding each other. So childish. I'm sorry and I love you.
All this friend-drama that has been happening, honestly its been tiring me out even though we're not supposed to be caught in this shit. Thank God for my pbts. Forever hearing me out and being my happy pills. Even if I dont meet them face-to-face we'll always have a fun time laughing at each other through whatsapp. I just hope that our friendship will never ever fade and we'll always be very important to each other. Just met them at Swirl Art just now and although I almost missed my last bus, I didn't regret one moment :)
Also very very very very very thankful for the rest of my friends. I don't know if I'm as important as you all are to me, especially the SD ones, but I swear I do love and miss y'all, even if we're not very close okay? Thankful for the bunch that actually care and bother to ask me what's wrong before judging. :)
I've lost many poly friends I believe, after the breakup. I was never really close to anyone in poly, maybe just a few. I guess, it just happens? Whatever you guys think of me, I don't know. I urge you all to ask, instead of blaming me for the things I've done before finding out why I did what I did. I'm just disappointed we all had to come to this.
Anyway, I just want to say that I am very thankful for the people who have stuck around since I knew you. Really. I appreciate each and every one of you a truckload I don't know what I did to deserve y'all. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!! ♡♡♡
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Secondly, relationship. I know that by now I should have already gotten over this. But no, I'm not. I'm still very much in love with the past W who knew every single thing he was doing and did everything right despite the many commitments. Just that I now know how to better control my emotions instead of being a crazy, crying bitch all day, all night. What I hate about this whole thing is that I can't seem to let go.
I hate the way we talked to each other in real life while we were texting. I hate the way you looked at me whenever you had a 'stone' moment. I hate the way we got together by the canal with boyboy. I hate how you held my hands for the first time. I hate our first kiss as it was so magical yet awkward. I hate how we held hands everywhere we went. I hate how you always woke me up with a kiss on my forehead. I hate how you wake me up by sweet-talking. I hate how you lift me up to get me out of your way. I hate how you always encouraged me to do my work by staying over to do it with me. I hate how we always talked on the phone and never put down until we both said 'I love you' to each other. I hate how we always went down to buy food together and ate upstairs because I was afraid the smell of the market would stay on my hair. I hate how we always said 'Bb wanan bb goodnight bb zoutao' before we slept.
I hate the way we cuddled while watching movies. I hate how you stared at people who stare at me. I hate how you said how nice the food I cooked was. I hate how we wrestled and I always lost. I hate how to tickled me until I cried. I hate how we used to look at all the small animals before going up to your place. I hate how we celebrated your mom's birthday with her favourite cheesecake for the first time together. I hate how we always surprised each other randomly. I hate all the food you cooked for me. I hate our bacon and egg noodles. I hate how you looked out for me when I crossed the road. I hate how you always told me to wear more/pull up my shirt. I hate how you always bought me my favourite CP honey wings. I hate how you made lame jokes and made me laugh. I hate how you made my family become closer. I hate how you smiled at me when we saw each other first thing in the morning. I hate how you wanted to sleep on the floor when you were high because you were afraid you'd do something bad to me. I hate how you got jealous at every little thing because you were so cute. I hate how your hugs made me feel safe and secure every single time.
I hate the way the butterflies came to my tummy whenever I saw you coming. I hate the way your flower attacks always failed because I recognised the sound of your keys. I hate the way you wrote little illegible notes and post-its to encourage me whenever I felt down. I hate how you always knew I was sad and would buy me twinkies to make me fat. I hate how you pinched my cheeks and said you'd want me even if I was the fattest girl around. I hate how you sent me sweet messages everyday. I hate how you gave in to me even though I was the one at fault at times. I hate how you tried your best to make me the happiest girl by constantly telling me you loved me. I hate how you sacrificed your biking dreams and told me you would give it up just to make me happy. I hate how you quit smoking and drank less for me. I hate how you thought I was cute even when I had drool all over my face when I just woke up. I hate how you think I was pretty although I know and knew I was not.
I hate it when you came over right after making me cry so hard saying you wanted to breakup that night. I hate it when you made things right by asking me out for a midnight movie. I hate it when you brought me to Sentosa and we went shopping before that little picnic. I hate it when you suggested we go to Marina Barrage and we spent an awesome night there lying in each others' arms watching kites fly and stars shine. I hate it when we planned for the future and our marriage together. I hate how we always had family dinners at each others' places; at yours we watched TV with your wonderful family, with mine we had the 'happiest meal' together according to my dad. I hate it when you edit our pictures and gave them to me randomly. I hate it when you bought me clothes and said I looked nice in them. I hate how I gave you Orange, Bobo and Waffle. I hate how you let me choose what you wanted to buy for me. I hate how you said I looked nice in certain outfits.
I hate how you left your scent everywhere around my room, especially in my pillow and I'd smell it whenever you were not there with me. I hate how I wear your clothes to sleep because they smell like you and I'd feel like you were hugging me to sleep. I hate how we talked to each other till the sun was up. I hate how we had never-ending topics to talk about no matter when. I hate how we bicker who hugs who to sleep and no matter who wins you'd hug me still. I hate how we kiss Boyboy and Gougou goodnight before we snuggle up in the blanket and fall asleep beside each other. I hate how you always made me breakfast if you got up first. I hate how you always make me sit on your lap while playing l4d2. I hate how you always laughed at me for playing l4d2 with cheats on because I was a noob like that. I hate how we saw each other practically everyday for 10 months but we still couldn't get enough of each other. I could go on and on about how much I hate you.
I hate how I'm feeling right now, how I'm drowning myself in all these memories, I hate how puffy my eyes are, how loud I cried, I hate how my head hurts right now. I hate how lonely I am without you. I hate how dumb, needy, attention-seeking I am right now. I hate how much my heart hurts.
I hate you. Do you know that? Do you know much I fucking hate you?
How long more till I can finally say I'm used to it? When my heart aches, how long more till it learns not to ache anymore? How long more must I wait, for this to be over? How am I supposed to be okay, how am I supposed to give up on us? How did you give up on us? Teach me.
Have you ever stopped and tried to remember the girl you fell in love with? How she laughed and played and smiled for you, how she fell for you too. Have you felt happy she did? Did you feel that you were the luckiest person in the universe? Did you?
You had everything you wanted but you gave it all up, just because you're unsure about what is going to happen in the future. You let everything slip away so easily. You said its for her, you want her to be happy, happier without you, but what you don't see is how much she needed you, to make her laugh like nobody else could. How could you let her slip away? She was everything you wanted wasn't she?
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Lastly, family. So many things have been happening at home and I don't even want to talk about it here. I just hope it'lll all be okay again. I want to do something about it but.............so what if I do? I will never be enough for anyone because all I do is wrong. I really hope to make it right soon. I hope my courage will come knocking on my door again. I've lost all hope in humanity. Yes, it includes myself.
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So much said and done and again, I'm left alone, in tears. When will I ever feel fine again? Will I succeed? Will I learn to trust again? Will I make more new friends that will stick with me? Will I ever find someone that loves me as much as I love him and that he'll never ever give up on me? Looks like I'll never know for now. I'm afraid. Of the future.
For the people who read this, no matter who you are, and whether you love or hate me, I just want to say that I am sorry, if I wasn't a good enough person. They say you can't please everybody, and so, I am already doing my best. If my best isn't good enough, then I'm sorry again. I'll constantly try to improve myself. I want to be a better person; a better best friend/friend/daughter/person for myself. I need to stand up and learn. I need to be stronger. I need time, and I believe I will feel fine again someday. Thank you for being there everyone. I appreciate every single one of you.
Hugs. Till next time. ❤
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