Disappointment

Once again I have disappointed myself. Told myself to never look back ever because I deserve to smile again. No, its not W's fault that I'm in this state. Its just me and my own heart I can't take control over. I've never felt so strongly for someone before, and its not his fault I loved him so much, too much in fact. No one will ever understand how I feel because everyone will think I'm stupid, and they'll judge me for making things uglier than it already is. Trust me, you don't know how much I love this boy.

To you I may be always complaining about how sad I am, saying mean things just because I feel hurt, I may be whiny and desperate, however you want to name me. To me, I don't mind because I know my feelings are true. You only have one life. If you really love someone so much, just let them know. Let the whole world know. Sometimes you don't leave to please people, and even if you do, you can't please everyone. So why not just make yourself happy and take a chance?

So what if people judge? They're not you. They won't know how you're feeling unless they're you. Even if they go through a similar situation they may not love their other half as much as you do. No one will really know how you feel except you yourself. People make it seem so easy to 'let go and move on', but really, if you love someone, no matter what they do to make you let go, you'd still hang on even though it stings as if someone squeezed lemon juice and rubbed salt on your gaping wound.

Point is, I know many people would judge me for behaving the way I still am now, complaining and ranting on Twitter instead of moving on with life. Trust me, I've tried. And I'll still be trying. Its been 4 months going 5. He's happy now but here I am pathetically annoying. Its only human nature that people who only hear his side would find me fucked up and people that only hear mine would think that he's fucked up.

We're both wrong. We both took each other for granted, we both made each other cry. Every single quarrel we had we were both at fault. It just took us too long to realise it. We lost each other because we were petty enough to quarrel over every small thing and focused on only the bad stuff instead of the good. We were both wrong, W. We were both in the wrong. If I could forgive and forget so easily, why can't you do the same for me too?

6 billion people in the world and I had to meet you and fall head over heels. We just had to meet each other. Then because of the stress we both had, especially because it was during submission period, we had to take each other for granted to the point where you couldn't take it anymore and you decided to break the most important promise: Forever.

I was one of the reasons you smiled. I made you smile before. I can do it again. Why force yourself to forget me and hurt yourself alone while hurting me as well, instead of forgive me and we hurt together, grow and learn together? You say if we're apart we'll hurt once and for all. Then we'll be happy again without each other, just like we never met. Did you really think I'd stop hurting? Even so, if we're apart, we hurt and heal alone. If we're together, we hurt and heal together, and everyday after, we'll still have each other. Why did you still choose to leave?

Truth be told, I'm not living in the past. I'm simply living in the present and looking forward to a future with you in it. You know? Is it really gone? Can I have one last chance? Because maybe its not about fixing what's already broken, but maybe its about restarting and creating something even better than before. I'm not crazy, I'm not stupid. I just love him. That's all.