Falling slowly

It takes 2 hands to clap.

I know some things may never be the same again. I don't need it to be the same. Because I know we can all make it better if we want to.

Sometimes I think about falling in love with you again. I think about how easy it would be because we know each other more than anyone else does. All the mistakes we made could then be forgiven and forgotten so we'd not quarrel over those stuff again. The things we did we could do them again, the things we didn't do then, we can now do. I think of positive, happy images. But you, are not even thinking about me. If only you would take a look at yourself when you were with me. The happy self.

I guess you were stressed because of all the restrictions. And you finally had enough of it so now you're back to your old self. The one that does all the things I didn't want you to do then. I guess this is the real you, and not the one that was with me. Maybe you were just pacifying me for the 10 months we spent together by stopping all those bad habits you had, because you thought I was worth it then.

And its not just love, its friends, too. How we used to enjoy each other's company, how we used to chat all the way till the dead of night, all those things, they come rushing through my head like waves crashing violently, eating the shore. All that friendship that was so dearly treasured but now, not even worth a penny. Because I still care, but they don't. Not anymore.

Not even after I apologised 2 times. Not even after I made an effort. Instead I got backstabbed and the story wasn't even whole to be exact. I just don't understand why you'd become someone you said you weren't.

Sometimes I selfishly wish that people would actually think twice about leaving me. I may be all the bad things, but I am sorry. I am terribly sorry for being me. I don't want to be this way either. Sometimes I just wish people would look back and say, 'Hey, you've been a good person. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to leave you behind. Maybe if I give you just a bit more time, we'd be closer than ever.'

Sometimes I want to give in, sometimes I think I don't, because its unfair. To me, they are my all. But what exactly am I to them if they just leave in the time span of a blink of an eye? No, what was I to them?

Was loving me and accepting me really that hard? Was I not worth all the effort and chances anymore? Its not like I didn't try, I did. I tried. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough. For now.....I'm just tired of trying. Tired of giving in. Tired of all the drama. I just want to recede with the wind that goes away after the storm. I need to see a rainbow. I need to feel fine. Everything that has happened to me, I feel weakened by all that. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I thought I was strong because for awhile things were actually going my way most of the time.

I am not afraid to admit that I am weak. I need to be stronger. I just don't know how yet.