New Year's Eve ☺

TODAY'S A SUNNY YELLOW BANANA DAY! ☼
So........................lets start with FOTW. 26-29 December 2011!

FOTW was a blast!!!!!! Hahahaha not forgetting the epic ''Eh I haven't do forfeit at all leh!''

And the next thing that happened? Because it was the last game we played, the next forfeiter had to do a solo forfeit so Fah had to!! HAHA she was daaaaaaamn brave!!!! And damn cute HAHAHA ☺ Video on facebook!
Picture spam from Cuicui's awesome camera :-) Last 2 pictures from Wk's dslr!
Many more pictures but I'm just plain lazy hehehehehehe.

All in all we had fun and that was the most important :-) Will be looking forward to future camps because the juniors really did a gr8 job planning the 3rd day games despite the short time frame!

Loved singing the camp songs hahaha did peace by the river with pearly shells clap and vice versa so fun he he he ♥☺

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The year s coming to an end in a few more hours. And that calls for a what-have-I-learnt-this year post. Its gonna be wordy, so yups.

Family. Despite the ups and downs, I'm glad we're all on talking terms now albeit being a little awkward. I can see that things are getting better, so I hope 2012 will be a good year for us. I'll put in more effort in tryng to bond with my family members. Its true they say family will never leave you no matter how bad things are. And to me, this is enough. I don't need the most expensive clothes, bags, or shoes. All I need are supportive family members. We haven't got there yet, but I'm sure slowly, we'll all open up to each other more. We will get there. I'm really thankful I have my mom, dad, brother, aunty, and dog together with me. Really.

Friends.

Pbts. Thank you for being my sisters from different mothers. Honestly my life wouldn't have been half as fun without you 2. We know each other so well, our quirks and our deepest secrets, yet we don't judge and we never fall apart despite little squabbels that are inevitable. I guess this is what we call friendship. No. We're more than friends. We can even guess and know what our reactions would be in certain circumstances. No matter how long we don't meet we still have good fun each time we do. Our whatsapp conversations always crack me up to no end. I know that late 2012 will be very different because Tiffy will then be going overseas and this means that we can't meet up as much as we can now. I reallyhope that although distance-wise, we'd be miles and miles apart, but our sisterhood will never be. Tiffy please do visit whenever you can ok!!! Oh god I'm gna cry ok nononono. I love you girls and I will never want you girls to leave me. I won't leave you 2 too. I will always be there. Thank you for sticking with me despite my horrible temper. Hehe. I love my sisters. I love you 2. I know you love me too. HAHAHAHAHA. Pbts forever!!!!! Remember our japan sushi dinner? Steady one ah!!!!

Netballers. Honestly, I know this year has been a tough one for all of us. I don't even know if any of you girls would read this, but I hope that you all know that no matter what we quarrel about, no matter who I quarrel with, no matter how bad things are, you guys are still very important to me. Every single one of you. I know it has been hard, and especially with such a big clique there are bound to be many disagreements and whatnots. I hope that we'll be able to overcome it in the coming year, and that many years down the road, we'll still be friends. I hope that we'll be able to tell each other straight, instead of telling only the others because that will lead to misunderstandings. Ok? If any of you need me, trust me, I'll be there. Call me and I'll be there. I may be closer to some, not as close to some, but I love you girls all the same. I may seem like I don't because I just don't show/say it, but I do ok. Hehe. Liting, thanks for always being understanding and mature and always teaching me things I don't neccessarily understand. Sarah, thanks for being my butter. You know what else you've done and so, thank you many many! Glenda, thank you for always being happy ad you influence me so I become happy too. Wenyi, thank you for being my laogong and we always act silly together. Meiling, thank you for texting me and opening up to me. Really appreciate that. Seowwei, thank you for always being so patient and understanding because you know that I'm always joking when I say you're short HAHAHA. And Zeena, thank you for all the fun stayovers and my birthday cookies. I never once forgot all you've done for me. I believe time will heal us both and we'll be fine again in the future hopefully.

Chinyi. I realised that because we both have busy lives now we're not as close as we used to be anymore and that really makes me sad. Anyway, I just want to say that I miss you and I want to meet you very very very soon again. I miss the times we used to sing like crazy bitches until we woke everyone up or something and got scolded. I also miss the times I used to head over to your place for stayovers and we would talk about many things while lying awake on your huge princess bed. Of course, I will always be there for you whenever you need me. Everything can change, but I will still, always be there.

Nadoo and Xav. Hi guys. Thank you for always being there. Especially Nadoo. The talks we had really made me realise that I'm super thankful to have you in my life still. There may have been misunderstandings, but I'm glad I told you everything and we solved them all. As for Xav, thanks for having us over always, and falling asleep before we even leave. Next time please stay awake ok? HAHAHAHA. And also good luck in your acting career! Don't diva ah hahaha. And as I always say......if you get more famous don't blame me for not meeting you as often ok haha I fear for my life. HAHA. I will always be there for you 2 if you need me.

Eva. We don't know tokyo drift until go where already but I still remember you even if you've forgotten about me. Hehe. Anyways I just want to say that you can always call me. But you're so busy now. Ah. I guess its what life does to people. Anyway I was happy that I finally met you for gymming the other day so I'm glad we could still fill each other in. I'll be there if you need me.

Polo guys. Don't think any of you would even read this at all but.......Thanks for making my life much more fun, and I may not be very close to you guys at all but still, its nice having you guys around because its just fun like that. Charles, thanks for always sending me to my doorstep even though you are damn tipsy and thank you again for not puking at my door. HAHA. Thane, thanks for being such a nice bro, always making fun of me but you can be nice IF you want to. HAHAHA. JJ, thanks for coming down that night to talk to me coz you were scared I'd cry alone hahaha and thanks for trusting me to take care of your wife. She's safe! Jon, nothing much to say but you are damn cute when you're in your own little bubble everytime you get high. Cannot forget how you kept talking to the confused taxi driver complaining about the cab fare HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sl. Used to be my bestest guy friend, now dk die until where. HAHA anyway thank you for being there when I need you, thank you for being patient with me, waiting for 20mins downstairs and only had time to talk for 10mins but you were still not angry. Thank you for being there for me when I was low. Thank you for offering to accompany me although I wanted to be alone. Through these years we've been friends, although we're not very close now but you still know the way I behave and all. HAHA thank you so much bf! Don't forget me leh cb hahaha.

Christina, Estina, Eileen, Shawn, Bingrong. Hello people. Thanks for being there when I was down. Especially some of you you know who you are. Very very thankful for you guys because if not for you all, maybe I wouldn't even be typing this anymore. I'm thankful that Fate allowed us to grow closer although we have more reason to be further apart since I'm not even in SD anymore. But really, I thank all of you for the support you guys have given me when I was down. And I hope that this friendship will not waver. I treasure all of you so please be happy and I love you all! Chris, thank you for always encouraging me and being so cute all the time. You make me more siao than usual lor!! Estina, thank you for being a happy pie, always smiling and happy although you have your own problems you still stand strong and smile! Eileen, thank you for all the shopping trips we've gone together, we should go out more next time!!! I miss you! BR, remember, be happy. Don't think too much and don't lose yourself ever. Shawn, thanks for the encouraging words. I will be there if you guys need me. Really.

Cuixia, Noeleen, Michelle. You 3 damn cute. I miss all of you and I hope to see more of you 3 in future. You 3 have always been fun and caring to me, and I thank you girls for that. I will always be there if you girls need me.

Bryan, Jingrong. Hello guys. You 2 probably won't be seeing this too. I just want to thank you guys for being there, especially when I felt like ajfhckjbfls. You 2 may have thought that it was a small matter, and that it was nothing, but in actual fact it helped me alot. Thank you broz. Haha.

SD seniors. I love you all, because you guys have been a fun bunch especially during camps. You guys always teach us so much more that we don't know/have yet to learn. All that is so precious, and I thank you for each and every single experience I have with you all. Although I'm not in SD anymore, you guys will always be my seniors. :-)

W. Hey. Its been a good time when we were together. Its sad that we're not anymore, but when we were, I was happy. Idk if you were, but I was. You've taught me so many things I didn't know, made me experience so many things I didn't get to experience before. Many of my first times were all spent with you. First time writing an A3 letter, first time making someone cry while reading a letter I wrote, first time night picnic-ing at Marina barrage, first time spamming koi with someone, first time going to my boyfriend's home with him and meeting his parents, first time always going to family dinners with a boyfriend, first time going to a wedding dinner with bf, aiyah so many first times I don't even know how to continue hahaha. Anyway I hope your new girlfriend makes you happy because you deserve it. Remember, don't eat too much raw salmon and if you do consume it by 1 hour. Don't accidentally eat fish roe and don't drink too much soft drinks because its bad for your asthma. Don't keep forgetting to bring your inhaler out because its dangerous and tell her its called Ventolin in case you forget to get it coz she can get it for you. Don't always go out late to but your maggi mee goreng because its dangerous if you go down alone and your sis is overseas. Remember to take good care of yourself and your health because you need to tke care of your parents and your sis. Remember their birthdays and that your mom loves cheesecake. Wish them happy birthday because although you don't celebrate it, they'll be happy you remember. So many other things to remind you but I guess you should know already. I'm nagging again anyway, thank you for the good times. Thank you.

To the rest of my relatives and friends. I thank you all for staying with me although I'm not perfect. I cherish every single one of you all be it whether we talk, or we've only seen each other and know each other but we just say hi and walk off. I hope you all have a good year ahead!!!

Saying all that, every single person I know will share my wish.

My wish is simple, and always the same: I wish everyone I love health, wealth, and happiness in the coming year.

Tonight I'll be going for the Siloso Countdown party hehehehehehe. Seeya guys if ý'all are gna be there!!!!!! I'll have fun and I'll end 2011 with a blast! X

Merry Christmas 2011! ☃

HAHAHAHAHAHA OK SOLI I MUST MAINTAIN AH.

I know I'm a day late but hey.........Christmas lasts for 12 days right? ☃

So, on the actual day of Christmas, which was yesterday, I spent it sleeping. I know right hahahahahaha but anyway!!!!!

On Christmas eve I spent it at town together with all those people! ☺ We had fun though, albeit feeling like sardines and occasionally getting frosted by the fake snow everyone was spamming. Christmas feel at its peak hahahaha it was fun☺ Walked in the rain in the end lor.

It was soooooo impromptu coz I wasn't even supposed to be heading to town but home instead. And I was lugging all my buys from shopping earlier on with Christina, Estina, Bingrong and Shawn. Oh well didn't regret going of course! Would have been better if everyone I loved was there as well but I can't be greedy. This is enough.☺

Headed to Newton for supper after that. Stingray = SHIOK MAX. Cabbed home. Shiok coz we all stay at the same area so cabfare is cheaper hehe. #cheapo. ☺

Today is the start of FOTW and we've gotta be in school by 5pm today. Idk why but today really doesn't seem like a Monday? My parents are both home too. So weird. OH YA ITS A PUBLIC HOL COZ XMAS WAS ON SUNDAY. HAHA brain spoil.

Haven't packed my bag but I'm so lazy............................... Shall go eat my lunch after this. ☺

Recently I've been happy. I don't know why. I think I'm happier now. And its a good thing! Hehe glad I spent my Christmas at home though, although my family and I didn't have any special gift sesh or some extraordinary dinner but i felt happy. Because we wished each other Merry Christmas ☺☃

They say Christmas is to be spent with the ones you love, I guess for me this is enough. To have my friends and family by my side. It's all that matters. ♥

My Christmas wish will be the same one I make whenever I see 11:11. And I hope it comes true. Off to have lunch, pack and scoot off to school! Once again......

A shoutout to everyone I love:

You people know who you are. Thank you for being here with me till now. I wish we can stay like this forever. If there ever comes a day you want to leave, I promise you I won't force you to stay, but I will do my best from now to show that I'm worth it.

To me, Christmas is all about joy, love, faith, hope and peace. ♥

To Z and W: You 2 are still important to me, no matter how bad things were then. Merry Christmas to the both of you too. ☺

I wish everyone around me health, wealth and happiness, today, and forever after. X

♫ Christmas Eve 2011 ♫

IT IS CHRISTMAS IN 14 HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY SCREAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

OK HI. ☺ Ytd I had a good day!
The day before I went shopping alone at 8pm. HAHAHA k so. This post is really boring because pictures aren't up on fb yet so I can't grab harhar. I need an iphone. Anyhoo........

Met up with Nadoo like finally and we headed to Cine at 12 noon just for the sake of Artease HAHA. Die hard fans or something. Made an observation that is quite lame but nonetheless this is my blog so I can be lame :-)

*Start Lame*
I realise Gongcha's 80%, Artease's 70% and Koi's 100% are the same level of sweetness! The only difference is that Gongcha's milk tea has more of a tea leafy taste, Artease's only has a tinge of the leafy taste and Koi has close to none.
*End of Lame*

Ok I am such a crappy individual I honestly doubt my abilities as a normal functioning human being. I wonder how I found friends. HEHEHE ok anyway after we got Artease we headed to fep to scout for N's heels to match with her Christmas dress. After walking 86589234562 rounds in fep we found a pair!!!!!! Went to eat Pontian and the staff there are seriously a bunch of rude people. If not for your wanton mee that's nice I won't go lor. Zz

Then we got friendship bands together hehe so meaningful one :-) Sat down and talked while tying our bands hehe. Went to the handicapped toilet and wasted time playing with our hair trying different hairstyles :-) Took a video!! Shall try to post it up after Nadoo does :-) Headed off to Tangs to find Nadoo's mom but she was busy so we went off to Somerset. She went to meet Melvin and I met Eryu!!!!!!!

Went to her church for Christmas service and it was fun meeting her fellow churchies. All SP students hahaha damn cool one, Was quite an awkward turtle though but that's okay :-) I had fun in the end!! Ended about 930pm so I headed off to RV's Swirlart to reunite with my pbts hehehe. So happy :-) Talked till late and went home.

♥ Slept a happy girl last night! Today I'm sleeping a happy girl too because after work(yes I'm blogging during work hours again) imma head to bugis to meet up with my lovely friends C, E, BR, S and hopefully E comes!! Astons for Christmas eve dinner doesn't seem like a bad idea at all. Hope we take pictures!!!!! (K my dslr is officially rotting in the dry box its too big and bulky I h8 carrying it around ugh).

'Nuff said, shall insert the pix when I get them!

Be back soon bunnies! X
P/s: Can't wait for the sleepover with the pbts!! We're gonna take videos HAHAHAHAHA

Roll the dice

I was lying on my bed yesterday and suddenly my brain decided to function by itself again despite knowing how tired my body was. It set me thinking, so be prepared for a wordy post ahead.

Why do people choose to forget the people they still love, instead of forgetting the mistakes of the people that they love?? For one, you don't have to deal with the pain of loss, and you have them with you as you forget the mistakes together. Isn't it a better choice?

Why would people give up on the people they love, and make themselves have to deal with the separation, then try so hard to forget and then meet someone new, and spend all that effort getting to know that new someone (that may also hurt you, high chance somemore), instead of giving the people they already love another chance?

People are wired in such a way that they think they will always be able to find someone better. What if you already found that someone better? Then you move on and hurt that certain someone, then thinking back, you realised that what you had was the best. Then you end up with nothing close to better, and you had already hurt the one you thought wasn't good enough.

You can channel the effort to know someone new, into the effort to forgive that someone you love dearly. Less pain, less trouble no?

Its something like a Math problem:
The probability of me hurting you again, will be less than the probability of A hurting you for the first time because A doesn't know you as well as I do. So if A does something he/she doesn't know will hurt you, you're hurt. But because I know some things may hurt you, the chances of me repeating that mistake is then minimized.

I may have hurt you 100 times. However every chance you give me after the 100 times, is a chance I will learn from my mistakes. Then you may say that if you mean something to me, I will never hurt you. Hurt is part of loving. You will always hurt the people you love in some way or another, no matter how hard you try not to. Everyone will hurt you. This is a fact that will remain unchanged.

You love your parents, this is undeniable. They nag at you, they scold you for the wrong reasons sometimes. Often, when they start to nag, you just ignore it altogether. By doing that, you're already hurting them, no? Everyone is always easily hurt by the people they love because they show their vulnerable side to them.

If you don't take a chance, you will never know what you may miss. Every chance you give out to the people you love is every chance something good may happen. You risk it to get it. No pain, no gain.

I think I think too much sometimes. Then again I think that it makes sense. So I think. I've decided that from now on, I will always give the people I love a chance. As many as they need. As long as they try together with me, I'm staying. The people that give up on me, I'll look at them in a neutral perspective until they think that I'm worthy of them trying again. Even if that means they're never going to, I'll still give them a chance, deserving or not.

Therefore I came up with my own conclusion.
The people who are worth you being hurt for, are the people who stay despite being hurt by you.

*Inserts random picture of me I edited on picnik*

This post just made me realise why you gave me up. I guess we're really just different. That's why. You forced yourself to change because of me. Your real definition of life is all partying, booze and cigarettes. All that jazz. I'm still young, I can afford to smoke and drink as much as I want. Bikes are cool! It can go so fast and its cheaper than a car. It may be dangerous but I like it. My friends have bikes and they're alive. I will be safe! Consequences can be dealt with when it comes. Better still, just ignore it and hope it'll go away. Off limits is fine as long as you have fun.

Whereas for me, its more of the future. Doing everything carefully, thinking of every consequence before I do anything. Partying, yes but to a certain extent. Everything I do, I have limits. Always thinking about how to deal with a certain thing if it happens even before it happens. What if I smoke and drink and my body fails me 10 years later? What's going to happen to my family and yours? What if I ride a bike and I can't control it well enough because it is less sturdy than a car? Doesn't that up the chances of me dying and losing you if you ride as well? Over-analysing every single situation. For our own good but its imposing stress on you as you think differently.

Our thoughts and aims are different. Our beliefs may be the same but we're still very, very different. I guess this is why we're not meant for each other. Simply because what you want is not what I want, and vice versa. Thinking about it, maybe we're both happier this way. I know I am :-) Unless we compromise, we will never be standing on mutual ground.

This whole post is not only about relationship, but friendship as well. To me, both are equally important and everything above applies to both. Sometimes Life gives us lemons. Its up to us to eat the lemons by themselves or make yummy lemonade.
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All that aside, yesterday I had fun with Chris, Estina, BR and Andy @ Kbox hehe :-) Tomorrow's another day of fun with Nadoo, then Eryu!!!!

Can't wait for next week. Its gonna be fun :-) Maybe I shall do a song cover later. Hehe. Maybe.

Life is a gamble, except you don't have a definite win or lose. You just win and lose along the way, till the end of the game.

Quote

"Well maybe it's Love then. Love makes us crazy. Makes us blind. You dont need 101 reasons to love someone, you just....love? It makes us see things in people no one else can. It's got to be love why he's still fighting for me, right?

You'd say, then if he love you, why he do shit to you? Well that day I was talking to a guy friend and he said "if you eat prawn mee everyday for years, then suddenly give you one mee pok, you would want to try a bit right?"and that makes sense right? That prawn mee has to be yummy enough to be able to satisfy the guy for years and for him to be able to resist the mee pok right? If it sucks for years and when one day, he gets the opportunity to try something new, why wouldn't he? I know of many guys with that kinda mentality! It's fucked up!

Guys are not like girls. We are wired differently and we girls need to remember that. I'm not saying every guy and every girl has the same mentality but MOST. I know, I'm not the best tasting prawn mee around, and I will now learn to be, so that'll give him no reason to want to try something new. If he does, at least i know im not to be blamed? Cus ive already done the best i could and it will be his loss. I'm sure wan ton mee, laksa, mee hoon kuey are going to come by...but he wouldn't wanna try those if I'm already satisfying him and enough. Right?

Most guys are gonna want to try something different one day if what they have isnt making them satisfied and making them happy. That prolly explains why there are many brothels around and they're surviving? Either we find out, or never do. Its scary right? But scared also like that...what to do? Isn't life all about taking risks? Everyday we are all taking risks! Say eg when want to get from point a to point b. You drive, you are putting your life at risk! You have a chance of getting into an accident and losing your life. You may be the most careful driver around, but that doesn't mean there are no risks, a big careless drunk lorry driver can still crush your car. But you still drive. Cus you have to get to point B.

In love, it is kinda the same. You have to risk your heart from getting broken or you will never know how beautiful love is. It is the most wonderful feeling ever. Dont risk breaking your heart then you will never ever get that "love and be loved" happiness. We are human, we all make mistakes right? I've never been so attached to someone. I've never had someone treat me so well before. Yes, he was always so perfect in my eyes - All a girl wants in a guy.

This one mistake he made shouldnt just erase all the good he has done for me. Of course it will leave a scar, In fact, im not entirely over the whole issue yet...but it'll take time? It'll take time for me to trust him again. And time for him to prove himself and do things to earn the trust i lost in him.

2012 is coming...a new year, new resolutions. I will work towards a better me!"
Above text from ohsofickle.blogspot.com.

Just by reading that, I know you never did love me at all. You were just confused. Either that, or you loved me, but that love wasn't at all enough to fight harder for me. Because when you love someone, no matter how bad they are, you take them for it. I took all your shit because I loved you enough. You just...didn't do the same for me.

Now, its over. I'm thankful that it is. I don't need you anymore. You're different now. The you that I loved is gone and he will never find his way back anymore. I am happier now. This just proves that I can be happy without you too. :)

2nd vlog and a song!

Bu yao judge me. Just for fun :-)

Hakuna Matata

You can either face your problems and solve it by braving the fear, or escape from your problems and 'solve' it by doing wrong things and think you can forget everything.
Learnt this the hard way. No use fighting the feelings. Facing it and I'm feeling good. :-) Happy!

Random: Heard this somewhere. They say if you're a better person when attached, don't let go of that someone because he/she is obviously bringing out the good in you. Really meh??

And I need to find my purple thumbdrive. Hehe. Seeya again bunnies! X

Challenge?

Accepted.
I will always be better than you dude, and even better than before. This I assure you. ;-) Your tastebuds spoil. Hehe.

I don't know what to feel leh. I've been partying so much these days I don't even know why hahahaha. Love awesome music and good company! I don't want to club so much its so unhealthy. But its good exercise :-) I guess its really time to tone down a bit though. Pretty much looking forward to next week because there are many things going on.

Monday: Badminton day with bb E!
Tuesday: Prep for FOTW
Wednesday: Kbox with pretty C and whoever that wants to go! Club......ok no. Ok maybe. HA.
Thursday: Finally deal with my lappy. And. Club? HEHE
Friday: Sleep-in.
Weekends are for me to exercise. And meet people I haven't seen in eons. (Say only. Never get to doing it coz I'm a fucking lazy piece of shit and my friends are all working/busy. PUI)

Moving on moving on........
Pix from Thursday @ Rebel thx to C :-)

I look like I'm in pain in the above picture. Simi sai.....

After crubbing hehe. Me is bouncer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COOL NOT :-D

Then its pix spam with the pretty girl C. She is so pretty here eyes are so nice :-( WHY I LOOK LIKE RETARD????!?!?!?

Fuck the unglam faces of me and my stupid pimple that just had to come out that day. Really ah. Tsk. C, you are so pretty. We change face. :-D Meow. HEHE

And that concludes my happy Thursday night!!!!! And yesterday was the pbt clubbing night!! Finafuckingly got to see them after a long long time and we had fun!!!!! Met my B in Zirca too hehehe. And the polo guyz Thane JJ and Jon :-D

Ba Kut Teh for supper/SUPER early breakie and home we went. Thanks guys. Love all of you hehe. Now I'm at work blogging. And I even brought my portable dvd player to watch shows. Wtf I am getting paid to do all this. Even I am appalled. CB HAHAHAHAHAHA OK.

Love, J. (Damn abrupt and awkward ending hehe)

P/s: No one steps on my tail. Mess with me/my friends.............you're going too far my dear :-) Watch your back baby!! X

Falling slowly

It takes 2 hands to clap.

I know some things may never be the same again. I don't need it to be the same. Because I know we can all make it better if we want to.

Sometimes I think about falling in love with you again. I think about how easy it would be because we know each other more than anyone else does. All the mistakes we made could then be forgiven and forgotten so we'd not quarrel over those stuff again. The things we did we could do them again, the things we didn't do then, we can now do. I think of positive, happy images. But you, are not even thinking about me. If only you would take a look at yourself when you were with me. The happy self.

I guess you were stressed because of all the restrictions. And you finally had enough of it so now you're back to your old self. The one that does all the things I didn't want you to do then. I guess this is the real you, and not the one that was with me. Maybe you were just pacifying me for the 10 months we spent together by stopping all those bad habits you had, because you thought I was worth it then.

And its not just love, its friends, too. How we used to enjoy each other's company, how we used to chat all the way till the dead of night, all those things, they come rushing through my head like waves crashing violently, eating the shore. All that friendship that was so dearly treasured but now, not even worth a penny. Because I still care, but they don't. Not anymore.

Not even after I apologised 2 times. Not even after I made an effort. Instead I got backstabbed and the story wasn't even whole to be exact. I just don't understand why you'd become someone you said you weren't.

Sometimes I selfishly wish that people would actually think twice about leaving me. I may be all the bad things, but I am sorry. I am terribly sorry for being me. I don't want to be this way either. Sometimes I just wish people would look back and say, 'Hey, you've been a good person. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to leave you behind. Maybe if I give you just a bit more time, we'd be closer than ever.'

Sometimes I want to give in, sometimes I think I don't, because its unfair. To me, they are my all. But what exactly am I to them if they just leave in the time span of a blink of an eye? No, what was I to them?

Was loving me and accepting me really that hard? Was I not worth all the effort and chances anymore? Its not like I didn't try, I did. I tried. Maybe I just didn't try hard enough. For now.....I'm just tired of trying. Tired of giving in. Tired of all the drama. I just want to recede with the wind that goes away after the storm. I need to see a rainbow. I need to feel fine. Everything that has happened to me, I feel weakened by all that. Maybe I was weak. Maybe I thought I was strong because for awhile things were actually going my way most of the time.

I am not afraid to admit that I am weak. I need to be stronger. I just don't know how yet.

Differences

Old picture. Like 4 days old or something haha. Just to make sure no one forgets how I look like. Ok I'm being lame again.............. Anyway.

Today I saw this video, like a snippet of some bollywood movie and there's this dude complaining about girls in 5 minutes. Makes me kinda angry? Idk not angry. Like I feel like its unfair. Shall just blog it all out. Some things, I realise, I observe in my parents too. Time to speak up for the girls.

Firstly guys say that Love is all about happiness and fun and laughter. Yes, it is. But then they say that after they get into a relationship all its about is the woman's happiness. Why? I mean. You should have already known that getting into a relationship is a commitment and its all about sharing ALL emotions together no???? That includes disagreements because no 2 people get along perfectly fine, and if they do, its a problem because its almost impossible to not quarrel with anyone. If you don't, its simply because you 2 are not close enough.

Then he complains that the girl wants to get a table. But she goes out and ends up getting bedroom slippers instead of a table and so, she continues to ramble about not getting a table. What he probably missed out is that.........without her, he would have NO BEDROOM SLIPPERS, and NO ONE TO REMEMBER TO GET A TABLE FOR THEIR CONVENIENCE.

See, girls do things but keep complaining about it. They still do it though, because the point of a girlfriend/wife is to love the guy and obviously take care of him too? That's why she always nags and complains. She does that because THE MEN DON'T LISTEN. That's why she has to repeat and repeat in hopes of the man getting up to actually do something.

One thing I really hate about girls. Seriously we complain too much and we don't even realise it. And when we do things for good intentions we often get misunderstood. Because to the guys it may seem like we never shut up/never do certain things. Fact is that we don't tell you guys every single thing we do because we don't have to. As long as we get it done, and its done, why tell? We put in effort not because we expect something back (sometimes we do, not everytime though). We put in effort because we think you're worth it. And we don't want you guys to love us just because we do some things and TELL you about them. If you realise it, then its good especially if we get praised HAHA, but if you don't, its okay too. We didn't want to let you know anyway.

I realise a lot of quarrels happen for the same reasons everywhere. And that's because the problems are never really solved. Especially when you choose to talk when both of the people are still angry. I used to always walk away. I had a reason for that, and he always thought it was an excuse. Truth is, if I am angry, nothing I say will turn out to be nice. Right? And that will just in turn make you even more pissed and angry. So we quarrel again. Problem not solved, both more angered than before. What's the point?

I chose to walk away but I got blamed for it. I don't mean I am right, but in my opinion, I always thought it was better to settle the problems when things are chilled instead of trying to solve it straight away when both people think the other is wrong. Of course he had his reasons too, because he believes that things should be solved right away instead of him being left behind alone again. I tried to compromise. I stood there and kept quiet while he talked to me. Then, I got blamed again. For ignoring him.

I guess this is the difference between guys and girls. And we'll never really learn how to solve it unless one of us gives in, meaning either I talk while I'm angry, or he leaves me alone till I cool down. Its my fault for not cooling down quick enough to talk about it on the spot, but its also his fault for expecting me to talk nicely while I'm angry. We never really talked about it, but just ignored it and continued walking away (me), and being angry and left alone (him). This was one of the reasons why it had to end.

Another reason was because of the constant breaking of promises. I always mentioned 'break-up' when I was miffed because it was so suffocating. This led to him thinking that he was unimportant to me because I always brought it up even when I said I wouldn't anymore. Of course I had a reason, but he always thought of it as an excuse. Of course. We're different. For this case though, we had the same thoughts. But when I wanted to explain, it was already too late because he just simply didn't want me in his life anymore.

He told me once, 'why must it always be at the breaking point that you finally want to do something about it?'. This, my dear, is also the same reason to why I keep mentioning that I'm about to give up. So you understand that its my breaking point and finally make the decision to listen to what I have to say. To him I was always blaming him even when he wasn't at fault. To me I was just explaining and although I blame him all the time, I NEVER denied that I had no faults. Truth was that I knew that when 2 people quarrel, it was always 2 people that made a mistake together. We both made each other unhappy so we both have to take the shit from each other. Then talk about the problem after both people are chilled, and settle it once and for all. That's only right.

Honestly speaking, I don't see why we've came to this. I don't know why he chose to give us up just because he couldn't understand why I did some things the way I did. I guess guys only see and judge from the way they think it is? They keep quiet and don't ask. So they take it the way they themselves see it. Whereas girls, we assume and get angry and probe all the way. And that is seen as nagging and scolding to the guys. Because they themselves don't do that. And maybe its a good thing haha.

Another thing about guys is that when they encounter a really big problem they just leave it be. And let it get worse. And when the girls tries to solve it, it seems irritating because he already gave up and he has chosen to ignore all the existing problems because to him its a hassle to solve it even if he realises you're right. And also because he wants to save 'face' he won't change his decision about breaking up. We all know how we don't like to admit to our mistakes sometimes. As girls we're really stubborn so we just keep trying and trying until he pisses off because all he wants is a clean break from an annoying girl he doesn't love anymore.

Sometimes I feel that the effort I put in behind his back is all wasted. Because he never got to know and I didn't want to tell him. Until he gave up. Then I told him some of the things I've done but it was all too late because he just didn't give a fuck anymore. There are more things I did but I never told him up till this date. But I guess I shouldn't be bringing it up anymore because so what if he knew? Nothing would change anyway so I should really just shut up.

Sometimes I think people treat relationships too lightly. They get into it thinking its all gonna be fun and games without any rain or storm. Then they give up and inflict pain on the other because they realise its not that easy to keep up with it. Then they go out and find someone else to realise that the same problem occurs. And then they stay on with the person because they know that it happens all the time. Without realising that they hurt the previous one so much because they didn't know it yet. And we also tend to take the ones we love for granted. To me, a relationship is just like having another family member. You bicker all the time and take each other for granted, but in the end? You realise that he/she is not your family member because there is zero blood relation, and thus, the person can leave you without any doubts once he/she has had enough. How are we going to find someone that will never leave us? How do we know if there is someone out there that is willing to give his/her all just to be with us?

So many differences between girls and guys and there will never be a closure because these things are up to the 2 people. Whether they are strong enough for the many tests they have to pass to finally deserve Happiness. I guess I was never worth the time and effort to be understood more. Because I was never enough. Never pretty enough, never skinny enough, never smart enough. I was never good enough.

So now I just have to concentrate on improving myself to be enough for me. If I'm not good enough for me, I'll never be good enough for anyone else. :-)

Also because of this, I realise I don't have any faith in anything or anyone anymore. I hope I'll be fine someday.

"It's not that I'm stubborn. From the start I had just wished and hoped so hard that you could be the one thing I could finally count on. This is why its so hard to give up."

Dance in the Dark

Edited hehe. Pictures up!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had lots of fun yesterday @ Zirca despite the tiny hole in my heart. I guess I'm healing relatively well now. I feel okay. Not yet fine, but just fine enough to feel okay and not cry. I don't deny I still think about stuff sometimes, but I guess its just part of the healing process :-) I realise I kind of like clubbing now? Somehow. With the right company of course, and if entrance is free. HEHE

Yesterday........was fun? Met new friends and had a fun time with Sarah, Yongyi, Jon and JJ!!! Hehehe. Was dancing as if I was carefree. At that point of time I was fine :-) Sarah was damnnnnnnnn funny when tipsy YY and I just laughed LOL. We all taught YY how to dance hahaha wth. And I was lip-syncing to the songs they played and that explains that pic of me with my mouth opened wide. It was a nice night. We all had fun! :-)

Then again it was not so fun because I've learnt that there ARE desperate guys out there. Of course there are also nice guys that just want to be friends. Love nice and friendly people :-) Why don't things go the way they should already. The people you want are the people that don't want you, and vice versa. Idk if it works that way for everyone, but for me it really is that way. WHY OH WHY :'(

I'm so bored at work now and I only caught like 2 hours of sleep, on and off. Woke up 5 times in the 2 hours to check on the time in case I overslept. 3hours +/- to the end of work and I'd have to rush home to sleep and then meet the girls for dinner. I am all smiles :-) Then come tomorrow I'm meeting Liting (unless plans change, hopefully not) to return her her lappy, then gym. Finally some fats off. Yay!

I've been ranting on twitter about this pudgy little bitch and I can't seem to simmer down when it comes to her. Because she thinks she knows everything but behind my back shes trying to convince a certain someone to do a certain something. Babe. Low. You can do better my dear. You're somehow in the same position as I am, and you should know how I feel. So shut your trap before I actually confront you and make things ugly. The 'advice' you gave me? Jolly well give it to yourself. I don't need words of pity/plasticity (oh god I think I just formed my own word). Just shut up and stop telling others what to do. YOU REALLY SHOULD. I strongly despise you and I DISLIKE YOU. Do NOT make me hate you because I can really be a bitch if you step on my tail. Remember babe, Karma's a bigger bitch than you are, so you don't want to gamble if you don't have stakes. Hate is a really strong word. Just saying. ;-)

I feel better now. I pray for my life to be fine again, please.
Be back with pix. And maybe another vlog. Love ya bunnies! X

I can only wish

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, it's not like that at all

There's a girl
That gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk through it

And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

I love the way you are
It's who I am, don't have to try hard
We always say, say it like it is
And the truth, is that I really mi-i-iss

All those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.

All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

[Chorus:]Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

[Bridge:]No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go
(Let go let go let go let go)

No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go
(Let go let go let go let go let go let go let go)

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here
(I wish you were)

Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near

I wish you were here.

1st vlog!

SUPER AWKWARD HAHAHAHAHA I HOPE ONLY MY CLOSE FRIENDS WATCH THIS. DON'T WATCH BETTER HAHAHA
WANT TO PLAY THIS ON MY WEDDING DAY IN THE FUTURE HEHE

peek-a-boo

So...................Liting's lappy has an awesome camera. Seriously hahahaha the resolution damn good and the keyboard so nice to type so fun!!!!!! I'm supposed to do my resume actually. However I guess no one works at night so in an attempt to fix my body clock..........I shall do it in the morning all the way to the noon if I actually do take THAT long haha.

Then I should call the insurance company regarding my lappy repair. Idk what to ask them. "Hi may I know how to repaire my laptop?" Wtf so awkward nvm ok I will do it. Later. Honestly I'm so bad at those 'official' talk if anyone is actually reading and getting anything I'm saying. Its like I'm type-mumbling. Fail.

On a random note I like my newest piercing ;) Makes my tongue look sexy hahahahaha just like how my friends look sexy with a navel piercing. Anyway I showed it to my dad last week hahahahahaha omg I am such a rebel. For the first time in my life I did something my parents disallowed. Wtf I am such a fucked up daughter :( But omg its only once omg. Thought of it since 3 years ago leh.......if not now then when? Old ah ma go in pierce tongue like some mental right????? So my dad asked me to take it out but I said I didn't want to. HAHA then he asked me to show it to him. I shy so I said no. HAHAHAHA cb la me. Such a cb. Lol oh well.

Ok wtf am I saying I think I am a bit crazy because no one will really understand. And honestly I think I am. Idk why I did all those crazy things and even thought of killing myself. Absurd. Rest assured I am normal now. They call it stupidity but I call it true love. Ahhhhhhhhh first time ever falling for someone so deeply I acted in a way no one would. Dingdong is me. Oh well enough of boys. I've fallen in love again and this time...............he's not just any other boy. Because he's Stephan Salvatore. *SPAMHUGZ* *HYPERVENTILATES*

Feeling upbeat these days. Getting a little bit better. Don't dare to classify it as happiness because I don't want to feel happy anymore, I just want to feel fine again. I want to smile genuinely, I need time to heal myself. I don't want to not be myself. I feel myself coming back piece by piece. :) Can't wait to receive my acceptance letter. First time saying this but... I WANT TO STUDY. :) And I am rewatching WGM hahaha god knows why but I just feel like it! Then imma watch TVD and HIMYM then GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Feel like going for a jog later but the red alert just doesn't allow me to because.........ok too much info. :) Have been rambling about everythign and nothing for the last few minutes. Time to go back to my shows hehehehe come back soon bunnies! X

P/s: I am a bunny.

If 2 people really love each other, there is nothing to be afraid about. There will always be disappointments, but they will always have each other as long as they don't let go. There is no such thing as a perfect partner. Everyone quarrels, everyone disappoints. You only need to find that someone who will be willing to go through all that shit with you no matter what happens. The only reason someone should ever give up is when a 3rd person comes into the picture.

Forgive and forget. Treasure the people that care, because if you keep pushing them away, you might not find someone that cares as much as they do anymore. You never know a good thing till its gone.

I don't have the confidence to be able to find someone who would be willing to stick with me through it all anymore. Its not a game, its a commitment. A lifetime commitment.

I just came to say "Hello"

Need to get my lappy fixed. :( hate using my dad's or this one. Not used to it!!!

Just don't

Don't forget how it feels like to have innocent fun
The ability to be completely unaware of brutal consequences
Don't grow up too fast. Age will anchor you down
It holds dreadful responsibility and all the things school will never teach you
They won't teach you how to let go of pain
Or how to deal with loss of a loved one or relationships

People will only teach you how to love, but not how to stop
They won't tell you that at some point of your life
Your pillow is going to be soaked with tears every night
That you might feel like ending it all

They don't teach you how to muster up your courage and move on
Don't grow up too fast and be in a mad rush to try on makeup or high heels
Or tight fitted cleavage baring dresses and extravagant material merchandise
Darling, you've all the time in the world to experience all those things
That's when you're older and possess spending power

So heed the cliche advice and study hard
Ask anyone who is much older, they will tell you how they regret not studying harder
Love your family, don't grow up too fast and brush away the hard fact that they raised you
You'll soon realize how little time you've left with them
Don't live your life with regret
Time doesn't wait for you to be ready to say "I love you"

Everyone's hurt in one way or another
Yes, even the people who make your life absolutely miserable
No matter how mean or judgmental people are, forgive them
Pray for God to soften their frail hearts and grant them strength
Nothing angers your enemies more than your capacity to forgive
It won't hurt you to be a little more gracious
They're the bitter ones, while you're strong and free

Don't assume that you're going to marry your first bf
Keep your options open, widen your social circle and get to know more people
It might all seem like a joke to you after a couple of years
Trust me, everyone has to get their heart broken at some point
That's how you learn to love and cherish the ones who love you

Don't grow up too fast and start idolizing runway models
Never ever let ana and mia take control of your precious life sweetie
We all make mistakes, learn to put your past behind you
You are beautiful as you are, do not ever let someone else tell you otherwise
Don't grow up too fast.

Growing up is never easy
Don't forget how is it like to cradle trust and child-like faith
Don't forget the time you were so happy and contented looking at rainbows
Or simple things like going to the beach and playing with sandcastles
Don't forget how eating ice-cream was the only thing you wanted to do.

Don't grow up too fast.

tired

tired of crying. tired of trying. tired of putting in effort to keep people in my life when they just don't want to be there. i shouldn't have to fight for a spot in anyone's life. why should i try so hard when i don't mean anything to them anymore? its not like i didn't try my best. it just kept failing to a point where i don't think i should try anymore. i'm trying too hard. tired. really exhausted. people are just too disappointing sometimes. i hope he finds his faith soon, i hope she finds forgiveness soon.

i'm sorry my friends. i'm very extremely sorry to those that care and got worried. i'm just not a very strong person. i thank you all for all you guys have done for me. i love all of you really. don't ever leave me please. thank you and sorry for making you all so worried and sleepless. i'm really sorry i owe you all everything i can offer to owe hahaha. thank you. really.

right now i'm so tired i don't even bother to think about all those things that are making me sad. i don't want to solve those problems anymore. they can just remain in a small corner of me until i find the strength to solve everything again. when those people want to.

i need an escape. i need a holiday, i need one very extremely badly. anyone on for a holiday? let's go tgt? :) call me ok hehehe or text me i want to go on a long holiday. like at least a week or smth.

Pain

My head is hurting so bad, and so is my heart. Puffy eyes, we meet again. I hate you so.

For everyone 

Today.........its going to be a long, wordy post (again). This time its (possibly) going to be even longer than all my previous posts. I used to think blogging with a lot of words is actually kinda pointless because, hey, who's going to be so free to read that chunk of who-knows-what-you're-trying-to-say-crap-its-all-complaints-anyway right? Then I realise that I'm blogging for myself. To release all the pent-up frustration/stress/angst/whatever. If I even have readers, I thank each and every single one because I know y'all are my beloved friends! ♡

Firstly, friends. I'm so afraid of letting anyone in already. By that I don't mean another random dude that's going to capture my heart and break it in the end again, but just anyone that even wants to be my friend. All the people you love, will let you down. And vice versa, you will also be a letdown to the people you love in one way or another. I don't want to let down the people I love, neither do I want to be let down. So many things have been happening these days, I wonder when its ever going to end. I treasure each and every person I'm friends with, aquaintance or best bud. I cry a lot whenever I lose someone in my life. I don't know why I'm such a softie. I may be guilty of saying harsh things - so harsh they may ruin everything I ever have with that someone I was harsh to. But everytime after I say all that mean crap, I feel guilty and bad even if I wasn't so much in the wrong. No, I am not saying that I don't have faults at all, I do. I just feel stupid to say all that and in the end regret all I say. Why the hell must I be like that? I really hate it so much. Its also because of this that I actually am afraid to let anyone else in? I have such a short fuse its annoying. I also complain so much more than a typical Singaporean does.

I complain a lot on twitter, so much that I comtemplate deleting twitter to save all my poor followers' spammed timelines. What I don't understand is, the people that I THOUGHT were understanding enough to understand why I actually rant so much on twitter, were the ones who unfollowed me first. I thought we were friends. I did say that if anyone didn't like it, they could unfollow. What I didn't expect was it to be them. I understand that we're not close at all, just hi-bye friends, but as I already said, I hate losing people who have already came into my life somehow or other. It made me think I was not worthy a friend to them. I unfollowed them too. Not because I was childish, but because they made a decision to judge and leave my life. You guys know too little to judge. So why do that? Ask if you don't know? I obviously have my reasons for tweeting all I did tweet, and I pointed out my faults too. So why claim that I only point out his faults but not my own? The worst thing is that now whenever they do see me in real life (rarely), they say hi without looking me in the eye. Worse still, they don't even say hi at all. Why? :'(

Then its the netballers. ML, I don't know if you're reading this, but I really need to talk to you okay? Don't draw the line between our friendship just because we're all talking to S. Its not about taking sides. I am disappointed that you actually unfollowed us all except a few. What was that for? :'( This whole thing was a misunderstanding and you both need to learn how to grow together as friends. Friends never leave each other because of small quarrels like these because it helps us learn and grow closer. Don't assume that we're all against you because we are not. I really want to talk to you but I don't know how to approach you. I've tried to text you but your reply was not what I wanted. What I wanted was for you to just open up and talk to us. Come to us and tell us what you're feeling. We need you in our lives, so come and talk to us when you feel you're ready. I'm not going to sugarcoat this because honestly speaking? What you are doing now is not right. You don't ignore people just because they are friends with the person you're unhappy with. Okay? You learn how to cope with problems and accept your faults, you don't run away from them and act like nothing is wrong because you know that deep inside, you miss everything and you want to come back. We will be waiting :)

As for Z, I already sent you a message. I hope you reply positively tomorrow. We were both misunderstanding each other. So childish. I'm sorry and I love you.

All this friend-drama that has been happening, honestly its been tiring me out even though we're not supposed to be caught in this shit. Thank God for my pbts. Forever hearing me out and being my happy pills. Even if I dont meet them face-to-face we'll always have a fun time laughing at each other through whatsapp. I just hope that our friendship will never ever fade and we'll always be very important to each other. Just met them at Swirl Art just now and although I almost missed my last bus, I didn't regret one moment :)

Also very very very very very thankful for the rest of my friends. I don't know if I'm as important as you all are to me, especially the SD ones, but I swear I do love and miss y'all, even if we're not very close okay? Thankful for the bunch that actually care and bother to ask me what's wrong before judging. :)

I've lost many poly friends I believe, after the breakup. I was never really close to anyone in poly, maybe just a few. I guess, it just happens? Whatever you guys think of me, I don't know. I urge you all to ask, instead of blaming me for the things I've done before finding out why I did what I did. I'm just disappointed we all had to come to this.

Anyway, I just want to say that I am very thankful for the people who have stuck around since I knew you. Really. I appreciate each and every one of you a truckload I don't know what I did to deserve y'all. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!! ♡♡♡
----------------------------------------------------------
Secondly, relationship. I know that by now I should have already gotten over this. But no, I'm not. I'm still very much in love with the past W who knew every single thing he was doing and did everything right despite the many commitments. Just that I now know how to better control my emotions instead of being a crazy, crying bitch all day, all night. What I hate about this whole thing is that I can't seem to let go.

I hate the way we talked to each other in real life while we were texting. I hate the way you looked at me whenever you had a 'stone' moment. I hate the way we got together by the canal with boyboy. I hate how you held my hands for the first time. I hate our first kiss as it was so magical yet awkward. I hate how we held hands everywhere we went. I hate how you always woke me up with a kiss on my forehead. I hate how you wake me up by sweet-talking. I hate how you lift me up to get me out of your way. I hate how you always encouraged me to do my work by staying over to do it with me. I hate how we always talked on the phone and never put down until we both said 'I love you' to each other. I hate how we always went down to buy food together and ate upstairs because I was afraid the smell of the market would stay on my hair. I hate how we always said 'Bb wanan bb goodnight bb zoutao' before we slept.

I hate the way we cuddled while watching movies. I hate how you stared at people who stare at me. I hate how you said how nice the food I cooked was. I hate how we wrestled and I always lost. I hate how to tickled me until I cried. I hate how we used to look at all the small animals before going up to your place. I hate how we celebrated your mom's birthday with her favourite cheesecake for the first time together. I hate how we always surprised each other randomly. I hate all the food you cooked for me. I hate our bacon and egg noodles. I hate how you looked out for me when I crossed the road. I hate how you always told me to wear more/pull up my shirt. I hate how you always bought me my favourite CP honey wings. I hate how you made lame jokes and made me laugh. I hate how you made my family become closer. I hate how you smiled at me when we saw each other first thing in the morning. I hate how you wanted to sleep on the floor when you were high because you were afraid you'd do something bad to me. I hate how you got jealous at every little thing because you were so cute. I hate how your hugs made me feel safe and secure every single time.

I hate the way the butterflies came to my tummy whenever I saw you coming. I hate the way your flower attacks always failed because I recognised the sound of your keys. I hate the way you wrote little illegible notes and post-its to encourage me whenever I felt down. I hate how you always knew I was sad and would buy me twinkies to make me fat. I hate how you pinched my cheeks and said you'd want me even if I was the fattest girl around. I hate how you sent me sweet messages everyday. I hate how you gave in to me even though I was the one at fault at times. I hate how you tried your best to make me the happiest girl by constantly telling me you loved me. I hate how you sacrificed your biking dreams and told me you would give it up just to make me happy. I hate how you quit smoking and drank less for me. I hate how you thought I was cute even when I had drool all over my face when I just woke up. I hate how you think I was pretty although I know and knew I was not.

I hate it when you came over right after making me cry so hard saying you wanted to breakup that night. I hate it when you made things right by asking me out for a midnight movie. I hate it when you brought me to Sentosa and we went shopping before that little picnic. I hate it when you suggested we go to Marina Barrage and we spent an awesome night there lying in each others' arms watching kites fly and stars shine. I hate it when we planned for the future and our marriage together. I hate how we always had family dinners at each others' places; at yours we watched TV with your wonderful family, with mine we had the 'happiest meal' together according to my dad. I hate it when you edit our pictures and gave them to me randomly. I hate it when you bought me clothes and said I looked nice in them. I hate how I gave you Orange, Bobo and Waffle. I hate how you let me choose what you wanted to buy for me. I hate how you said I looked nice in certain outfits.

I hate how you left your scent everywhere around my room, especially in my pillow and I'd smell it whenever you were not there with me. I hate how I wear your clothes to sleep because they smell like you and I'd feel like you were hugging me to sleep. I hate how we talked to each other till the sun was up. I hate how we had never-ending topics to talk about no matter when. I hate how we bicker who hugs who to sleep and no matter who wins you'd hug me still. I hate how we kiss Boyboy and Gougou goodnight before we snuggle up in the blanket and fall asleep beside each other. I hate how you always made me breakfast if you got up first. I hate how you always make me sit on your lap while playing l4d2. I hate how you always laughed at me for playing l4d2 with cheats on because I was a noob like that. I hate how we saw each other practically everyday for 10 months but we still couldn't get enough of each other. I could go on and on about how much I hate you.

I hate how I'm feeling right now, how I'm drowning myself in all these memories, I hate how puffy my eyes are, how loud I cried, I hate how my head hurts right now. I hate how lonely I am without you. I hate how dumb, needy, attention-seeking I am right now. I hate how much my heart hurts.

I hate you. Do you know that? Do you know much I fucking hate you?

How long more till I can finally say I'm used to it? When my heart aches, how long more till it learns not to ache anymore? How long more must I wait, for this to be over? How am I supposed to be okay, how am I supposed to give up on us? How did you give up on us? Teach me.

Have you ever stopped and tried to remember the girl you fell in love with? How she laughed and played and smiled for you, how she fell for you too. Have you felt happy she did? Did you feel that you were the luckiest person in the universe? Did you?

You had everything you wanted but you gave it all up, just because you're unsure about what is going to happen in the future. You let everything slip away so easily. You said its for her, you want her to be happy, happier without you, but what you don't see is how much she needed you, to make her laugh like nobody else could. How could you let her slip away? She was everything you wanted wasn't she?
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Lastly, family. So many things have been happening at home and I don't even want to talk about it here. I just hope it'lll all be okay again. I want to do something about it but.............so what if I do? I will never be enough for anyone because all I do is wrong. I really hope to make it right soon. I hope my courage will come knocking on my door again. I've lost all hope in humanity. Yes, it includes myself.
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So much said and done and again, I'm left alone, in tears. When will I ever feel fine again? Will I succeed? Will I learn to trust again? Will I make more new friends that will stick with me? Will I ever find someone that loves me as much as I love him and that he'll never ever give up on me? Looks like I'll never know for now. I'm afraid. Of the future.

For the people who read this, no matter who you are, and whether you love or hate me, I just want to say that I am sorry, if I wasn't a good enough person. They say you can't please everybody, and so, I am already doing my best. If my best isn't good enough, then I'm sorry again. I'll constantly try to improve myself. I want to be a better person; a better best friend/friend/daughter/person for myself. I need to stand up and learn. I need to be stronger. I need time, and I believe I will feel fine again someday. Thank you for being there everyone. I appreciate every single one of you.

Hugs. Till next time. ❤