my life's in a mess.
family. yeah same thing. thinking about how i'm supposed to take care of my brother next time when my parents grow old. he can't hear that well so he's definitely gonna meet some challenges in life.
always being blamed for doing something wrong. just yesterday my dad asked me to photoshop some poster for his work. he said its in the folder named '111'. clicked on it, and changed the view to the larger thumbnails for better viewing. he said i clicked too fast and he already saw the file he was looking for but i clicked away.
does changing view to thumbnails DELETE a file? no.
yep he wants me to help him and blames me for something i've not done wrong/at all.
then he shouts at me first and blames me that i clicked too fast and i shouted back.
come on. grow up. i know better. i've been using photoshop since eons and i know that changing views doesn't delete a folder. and i've only clicked in that folder because he INSISTS it is in there.
always being called ugly. yeah i am ugly but i am the quoted 'ugly' product of you and dad, mom. everything i do is not up to standard. everything i wear is ugly and tasteless. highwaisted shorts on me are ugly. my hair is ugly because i have a fringe and it is covering my face. well the ironic part is, it is because i am 'ugly' as you say i am, so i choose to use my fringe to cover my face. and my signature *cover face* pose is yep you're right because i'm ugly. pimples? yep genes mom, genes.
i blame myself for being affected by you, thus resulting in my low self-esteem. but then again, i only have myself to blame. i wasn't born petite as you would have loved your daughter to be, and neither was i the prettiest one in the family and in comparison with your friends' daughters. i was always the ugly one.
i was the last one to learn how to write my chinese name maternal side, the last one thought of paternal side. never was i showered with love. gifts yes, but not as much as all my other cousins from both sides. never was i loved in the whole, big what-you-call 'family'.
friends. i never ever have time for my secondary school friends because school work is always too much to allow me to have a life. so time-consuming and $ consuming i don't have extra cash to go out. i feel like i'm such a loser missing out on friends' birthday celebrations because of schoolwork. i still am so apologetic to liting. i know how great my friends are and i genuinely appreciate all they've done for me. because its so much more than i've done for them. i'm such a bad friend.
pbts, 2 best friends in the world. never ever anyone better. not even time for them. i'm trying. maybe this year i'll do better and have some time for you girls during the holidays. i'm sorry babes. but i really am trying.
school. frankly i haven't been doing my best yet because i'm lazy. and because i'm lazy i don't deserve very good grades. however i've been trying harder these days and my interest has been increasing. i want to do well in school for myself. and also to show everyone that thinks i'm stupid that i'm not. i've been doing better in school considering the grades i've got back and that year 2 is supposed to be a tougher year compared to year 1. got the first A+ in my poly life, and the worst i got was a C+. bad i know, but the worst i got was a C last year.
but so what? i don't dare to show my results to my parents, because i know they'll just blame me for getting a C+ even though i've improved. and fyi, C+ isn't a fail grade. its a 60-70.
love. i can say i've got the best boyfriend in the world because he treats me good. not because he'll offer to pay sometimes for my shopping, not because he always snatches the food bills away and insists to pay, but because of his heart. never met someone who loved me as much as/more than i love him. but i finally met him. sad to say we're almost always quarrelling. way too much i'm getting tired. not of him but the quarrels. i'm sure he's the one i want for life. but yet these quarrels tell me otherwise. maybe i met the right one at the wrong time.
my life is falling apart. i feel like there's no meaning to it anymore. not going to commit suicide, but i really feel like giving up on life altogether. just run away from all my commitments and be free. i need a little getaway. for at least a month.
i'll be okay. there's always that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
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