Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
For everyone
Today.........its going to be a long, wordy post (again). This time its (possibly) going to be even longer than all my previous posts. I used to think blogging with a lot of words is actually kinda pointless because, hey, who's going to be so free to read that chunk of who-knows-what-you're-trying-to-say-crap-its-all-complaints-anyway right? Then I realise that I'm blogging for myself. To release all the pent-up frustration/stress/angst/whatever. If I even have readers, I thank each and every single one because I know y'all are my beloved friends! ♡
Firstly, friends. I'm so afraid of letting anyone in already. By that I don't mean another random dude that's going to capture my heart and break it in the end again, but just anyone that even wants to be my friend. All the people you love, will let you down. And vice versa, you will also be a letdown to the people you love in one way or another. I don't want to let down the people I love, neither do I want to be let down. So many things have been happening these days, I wonder when its ever going to end. I treasure each and every person I'm friends with, aquaintance or best bud. I cry a lot whenever I lose someone in my life. I don't know why I'm such a softie. I may be guilty of saying harsh things - so harsh they may ruin everything I ever have with that someone I was harsh to. But everytime after I say all that mean crap, I feel guilty and bad even if I wasn't so much in the wrong. No, I am not saying that I don't have faults at all, I do. I just feel stupid to say all that and in the end regret all I say. Why the hell must I be like that? I really hate it so much. Its also because of this that I actually am afraid to let anyone else in? I have such a short fuse its annoying. I also complain so much more than a typical Singaporean does.
I complain a lot on twitter, so much that I comtemplate deleting twitter to save all my poor followers' spammed timelines. What I don't understand is, the people that I THOUGHT were understanding enough to understand why I actually rant so much on twitter, were the ones who unfollowed me first. I thought we were friends. I did say that if anyone didn't like it, they could unfollow. What I didn't expect was it to be them. I understand that we're not close at all, just hi-bye friends, but as I already said, I hate losing people who have already came into my life somehow or other. It made me think I was not worthy a friend to them. I unfollowed them too. Not because I was childish, but because they made a decision to judge and leave my life. You guys know too little to judge. So why do that? Ask if you don't know? I obviously have my reasons for tweeting all I did tweet, and I pointed out my faults too. So why claim that I only point out his faults but not my own? The worst thing is that now whenever they do see me in real life (rarely), they say hi without looking me in the eye. Worse still, they don't even say hi at all. Why? :'(
Then its the netballers. ML, I don't know if you're reading this, but I really need to talk to you okay? Don't draw the line between our friendship just because we're all talking to S. Its not about taking sides. I am disappointed that you actually unfollowed us all except a few. What was that for? :'( This whole thing was a misunderstanding and you both need to learn how to grow together as friends. Friends never leave each other because of small quarrels like these because it helps us learn and grow closer. Don't assume that we're all against you because we are not. I really want to talk to you but I don't know how to approach you. I've tried to text you but your reply was not what I wanted. What I wanted was for you to just open up and talk to us. Come to us and tell us what you're feeling. We need you in our lives, so come and talk to us when you feel you're ready. I'm not going to sugarcoat this because honestly speaking? What you are doing now is not right. You don't ignore people just because they are friends with the person you're unhappy with. Okay? You learn how to cope with problems and accept your faults, you don't run away from them and act like nothing is wrong because you know that deep inside, you miss everything and you want to come back. We will be waiting :)
As for Z, I already sent you a message. I hope you reply positively tomorrow. We were both misunderstanding each other. So childish. I'm sorry and I love you.
All this friend-drama that has been happening, honestly its been tiring me out even though we're not supposed to be caught in this shit. Thank God for my pbts. Forever hearing me out and being my happy pills. Even if I dont meet them face-to-face we'll always have a fun time laughing at each other through whatsapp. I just hope that our friendship will never ever fade and we'll always be very important to each other. Just met them at Swirl Art just now and although I almost missed my last bus, I didn't regret one moment :)
Also very very very very very thankful for the rest of my friends. I don't know if I'm as important as you all are to me, especially the SD ones, but I swear I do love and miss y'all, even if we're not very close okay? Thankful for the bunch that actually care and bother to ask me what's wrong before judging. :)
I've lost many poly friends I believe, after the breakup. I was never really close to anyone in poly, maybe just a few. I guess, it just happens? Whatever you guys think of me, I don't know. I urge you all to ask, instead of blaming me for the things I've done before finding out why I did what I did. I'm just disappointed we all had to come to this.
Anyway, I just want to say that I am very thankful for the people who have stuck around since I knew you. Really. I appreciate each and every one of you a truckload I don't know what I did to deserve y'all. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!! ♡♡♡
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Secondly, relationship. I know that by now I should have already gotten over this. But no, I'm not. I'm still very much in love with the past W who knew every single thing he was doing and did everything right despite the many commitments. Just that I now know how to better control my emotions instead of being a crazy, crying bitch all day, all night. What I hate about this whole thing is that I can't seem to let go.
I hate the way we talked to each other in real life while we were texting. I hate the way you looked at me whenever you had a 'stone' moment. I hate the way we got together by the canal with boyboy. I hate how you held my hands for the first time. I hate our first kiss as it was so magical yet awkward. I hate how we held hands everywhere we went. I hate how you always woke me up with a kiss on my forehead. I hate how you wake me up by sweet-talking. I hate how you lift me up to get me out of your way. I hate how you always encouraged me to do my work by staying over to do it with me. I hate how we always talked on the phone and never put down until we both said 'I love you' to each other. I hate how we always went down to buy food together and ate upstairs because I was afraid the smell of the market would stay on my hair. I hate how we always said 'Bb wanan bb goodnight bb zoutao' before we slept.
I hate the way we cuddled while watching movies. I hate how you stared at people who stare at me. I hate how you said how nice the food I cooked was. I hate how we wrestled and I always lost. I hate how to tickled me until I cried. I hate how we used to look at all the small animals before going up to your place. I hate how we celebrated your mom's birthday with her favourite cheesecake for the first time together. I hate how we always surprised each other randomly. I hate all the food you cooked for me. I hate our bacon and egg noodles. I hate how you looked out for me when I crossed the road. I hate how you always told me to wear more/pull up my shirt. I hate how you always bought me my favourite CP honey wings. I hate how you made lame jokes and made me laugh. I hate how you made my family become closer. I hate how you smiled at me when we saw each other first thing in the morning. I hate how you wanted to sleep on the floor when you were high because you were afraid you'd do something bad to me. I hate how you got jealous at every little thing because you were so cute. I hate how your hugs made me feel safe and secure every single time.
I hate the way the butterflies came to my tummy whenever I saw you coming. I hate the way your flower attacks always failed because I recognised the sound of your keys. I hate the way you wrote little illegible notes and post-its to encourage me whenever I felt down. I hate how you always knew I was sad and would buy me twinkies to make me fat. I hate how you pinched my cheeks and said you'd want me even if I was the fattest girl around. I hate how you sent me sweet messages everyday. I hate how you gave in to me even though I was the one at fault at times. I hate how you tried your best to make me the happiest girl by constantly telling me you loved me. I hate how you sacrificed your biking dreams and told me you would give it up just to make me happy. I hate how you quit smoking and drank less for me. I hate how you thought I was cute even when I had drool all over my face when I just woke up. I hate how you think I was pretty although I know and knew I was not.
I hate it when you came over right after making me cry so hard saying you wanted to breakup that night. I hate it when you made things right by asking me out for a midnight movie. I hate it when you brought me to Sentosa and we went shopping before that little picnic. I hate it when you suggested we go to Marina Barrage and we spent an awesome night there lying in each others' arms watching kites fly and stars shine. I hate it when we planned for the future and our marriage together. I hate how we always had family dinners at each others' places; at yours we watched TV with your wonderful family, with mine we had the 'happiest meal' together according to my dad. I hate it when you edit our pictures and gave them to me randomly. I hate it when you bought me clothes and said I looked nice in them. I hate how I gave you Orange, Bobo and Waffle. I hate how you let me choose what you wanted to buy for me. I hate how you said I looked nice in certain outfits.
I hate how you left your scent everywhere around my room, especially in my pillow and I'd smell it whenever you were not there with me. I hate how I wear your clothes to sleep because they smell like you and I'd feel like you were hugging me to sleep. I hate how we talked to each other till the sun was up. I hate how we had never-ending topics to talk about no matter when. I hate how we bicker who hugs who to sleep and no matter who wins you'd hug me still. I hate how we kiss Boyboy and Gougou goodnight before we snuggle up in the blanket and fall asleep beside each other. I hate how you always made me breakfast if you got up first. I hate how you always make me sit on your lap while playing l4d2. I hate how you always laughed at me for playing l4d2 with cheats on because I was a noob like that. I hate how we saw each other practically everyday for 10 months but we still couldn't get enough of each other. I could go on and on about how much I hate you.
I hate how I'm feeling right now, how I'm drowning myself in all these memories, I hate how puffy my eyes are, how loud I cried, I hate how my head hurts right now. I hate how lonely I am without you. I hate how dumb, needy, attention-seeking I am right now. I hate how much my heart hurts.
I hate you. Do you know that? Do you know much I fucking hate you?
How long more till I can finally say I'm used to it? When my heart aches, how long more till it learns not to ache anymore? How long more must I wait, for this to be over? How am I supposed to be okay, how am I supposed to give up on us? How did you give up on us? Teach me.
Have you ever stopped and tried to remember the girl you fell in love with? How she laughed and played and smiled for you, how she fell for you too. Have you felt happy she did? Did you feel that you were the luckiest person in the universe? Did you?
Firstly, friends. I'm so afraid of letting anyone in already. By that I don't mean another random dude that's going to capture my heart and break it in the end again, but just anyone that even wants to be my friend. All the people you love, will let you down. And vice versa, you will also be a letdown to the people you love in one way or another. I don't want to let down the people I love, neither do I want to be let down. So many things have been happening these days, I wonder when its ever going to end. I treasure each and every person I'm friends with, aquaintance or best bud. I cry a lot whenever I lose someone in my life. I don't know why I'm such a softie. I may be guilty of saying harsh things - so harsh they may ruin everything I ever have with that someone I was harsh to. But everytime after I say all that mean crap, I feel guilty and bad even if I wasn't so much in the wrong. No, I am not saying that I don't have faults at all, I do. I just feel stupid to say all that and in the end regret all I say. Why the hell must I be like that? I really hate it so much. Its also because of this that I actually am afraid to let anyone else in? I have such a short fuse its annoying. I also complain so much more than a typical Singaporean does.
I complain a lot on twitter, so much that I comtemplate deleting twitter to save all my poor followers' spammed timelines. What I don't understand is, the people that I THOUGHT were understanding enough to understand why I actually rant so much on twitter, were the ones who unfollowed me first. I thought we were friends. I did say that if anyone didn't like it, they could unfollow. What I didn't expect was it to be them. I understand that we're not close at all, just hi-bye friends, but as I already said, I hate losing people who have already came into my life somehow or other. It made me think I was not worthy a friend to them. I unfollowed them too. Not because I was childish, but because they made a decision to judge and leave my life. You guys know too little to judge. So why do that? Ask if you don't know? I obviously have my reasons for tweeting all I did tweet, and I pointed out my faults too. So why claim that I only point out his faults but not my own? The worst thing is that now whenever they do see me in real life (rarely), they say hi without looking me in the eye. Worse still, they don't even say hi at all. Why? :'(
Then its the netballers. ML, I don't know if you're reading this, but I really need to talk to you okay? Don't draw the line between our friendship just because we're all talking to S. Its not about taking sides. I am disappointed that you actually unfollowed us all except a few. What was that for? :'( This whole thing was a misunderstanding and you both need to learn how to grow together as friends. Friends never leave each other because of small quarrels like these because it helps us learn and grow closer. Don't assume that we're all against you because we are not. I really want to talk to you but I don't know how to approach you. I've tried to text you but your reply was not what I wanted. What I wanted was for you to just open up and talk to us. Come to us and tell us what you're feeling. We need you in our lives, so come and talk to us when you feel you're ready. I'm not going to sugarcoat this because honestly speaking? What you are doing now is not right. You don't ignore people just because they are friends with the person you're unhappy with. Okay? You learn how to cope with problems and accept your faults, you don't run away from them and act like nothing is wrong because you know that deep inside, you miss everything and you want to come back. We will be waiting :)
As for Z, I already sent you a message. I hope you reply positively tomorrow. We were both misunderstanding each other. So childish. I'm sorry and I love you.
All this friend-drama that has been happening, honestly its been tiring me out even though we're not supposed to be caught in this shit. Thank God for my pbts. Forever hearing me out and being my happy pills. Even if I dont meet them face-to-face we'll always have a fun time laughing at each other through whatsapp. I just hope that our friendship will never ever fade and we'll always be very important to each other. Just met them at Swirl Art just now and although I almost missed my last bus, I didn't regret one moment :)
Also very very very very very thankful for the rest of my friends. I don't know if I'm as important as you all are to me, especially the SD ones, but I swear I do love and miss y'all, even if we're not very close okay? Thankful for the bunch that actually care and bother to ask me what's wrong before judging. :)
I've lost many poly friends I believe, after the breakup. I was never really close to anyone in poly, maybe just a few. I guess, it just happens? Whatever you guys think of me, I don't know. I urge you all to ask, instead of blaming me for the things I've done before finding out why I did what I did. I'm just disappointed we all had to come to this.
Anyway, I just want to say that I am very thankful for the people who have stuck around since I knew you. Really. I appreciate each and every one of you a truckload I don't know what I did to deserve y'all. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!! ♡♡♡
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Secondly, relationship. I know that by now I should have already gotten over this. But no, I'm not. I'm still very much in love with the past W who knew every single thing he was doing and did everything right despite the many commitments. Just that I now know how to better control my emotions instead of being a crazy, crying bitch all day, all night. What I hate about this whole thing is that I can't seem to let go.
I hate the way we talked to each other in real life while we were texting. I hate the way you looked at me whenever you had a 'stone' moment. I hate the way we got together by the canal with boyboy. I hate how you held my hands for the first time. I hate our first kiss as it was so magical yet awkward. I hate how we held hands everywhere we went. I hate how you always woke me up with a kiss on my forehead. I hate how you wake me up by sweet-talking. I hate how you lift me up to get me out of your way. I hate how you always encouraged me to do my work by staying over to do it with me. I hate how we always talked on the phone and never put down until we both said 'I love you' to each other. I hate how we always went down to buy food together and ate upstairs because I was afraid the smell of the market would stay on my hair. I hate how we always said 'Bb wanan bb goodnight bb zoutao' before we slept.
I hate the way we cuddled while watching movies. I hate how you stared at people who stare at me. I hate how you said how nice the food I cooked was. I hate how we wrestled and I always lost. I hate how to tickled me until I cried. I hate how we used to look at all the small animals before going up to your place. I hate how we celebrated your mom's birthday with her favourite cheesecake for the first time together. I hate how we always surprised each other randomly. I hate all the food you cooked for me. I hate our bacon and egg noodles. I hate how you looked out for me when I crossed the road. I hate how you always told me to wear more/pull up my shirt. I hate how you always bought me my favourite CP honey wings. I hate how you made lame jokes and made me laugh. I hate how you made my family become closer. I hate how you smiled at me when we saw each other first thing in the morning. I hate how you wanted to sleep on the floor when you were high because you were afraid you'd do something bad to me. I hate how you got jealous at every little thing because you were so cute. I hate how your hugs made me feel safe and secure every single time.
I hate the way the butterflies came to my tummy whenever I saw you coming. I hate the way your flower attacks always failed because I recognised the sound of your keys. I hate the way you wrote little illegible notes and post-its to encourage me whenever I felt down. I hate how you always knew I was sad and would buy me twinkies to make me fat. I hate how you pinched my cheeks and said you'd want me even if I was the fattest girl around. I hate how you sent me sweet messages everyday. I hate how you gave in to me even though I was the one at fault at times. I hate how you tried your best to make me the happiest girl by constantly telling me you loved me. I hate how you sacrificed your biking dreams and told me you would give it up just to make me happy. I hate how you quit smoking and drank less for me. I hate how you thought I was cute even when I had drool all over my face when I just woke up. I hate how you think I was pretty although I know and knew I was not.
I hate it when you came over right after making me cry so hard saying you wanted to breakup that night. I hate it when you made things right by asking me out for a midnight movie. I hate it when you brought me to Sentosa and we went shopping before that little picnic. I hate it when you suggested we go to Marina Barrage and we spent an awesome night there lying in each others' arms watching kites fly and stars shine. I hate it when we planned for the future and our marriage together. I hate how we always had family dinners at each others' places; at yours we watched TV with your wonderful family, with mine we had the 'happiest meal' together according to my dad. I hate it when you edit our pictures and gave them to me randomly. I hate it when you bought me clothes and said I looked nice in them. I hate how I gave you Orange, Bobo and Waffle. I hate how you let me choose what you wanted to buy for me. I hate how you said I looked nice in certain outfits.
I hate how you left your scent everywhere around my room, especially in my pillow and I'd smell it whenever you were not there with me. I hate how I wear your clothes to sleep because they smell like you and I'd feel like you were hugging me to sleep. I hate how we talked to each other till the sun was up. I hate how we had never-ending topics to talk about no matter when. I hate how we bicker who hugs who to sleep and no matter who wins you'd hug me still. I hate how we kiss Boyboy and Gougou goodnight before we snuggle up in the blanket and fall asleep beside each other. I hate how you always made me breakfast if you got up first. I hate how you always make me sit on your lap while playing l4d2. I hate how you always laughed at me for playing l4d2 with cheats on because I was a noob like that. I hate how we saw each other practically everyday for 10 months but we still couldn't get enough of each other. I could go on and on about how much I hate you.
I hate how I'm feeling right now, how I'm drowning myself in all these memories, I hate how puffy my eyes are, how loud I cried, I hate how my head hurts right now. I hate how lonely I am without you. I hate how dumb, needy, attention-seeking I am right now. I hate how much my heart hurts.
I hate you. Do you know that? Do you know much I fucking hate you?
How long more till I can finally say I'm used to it? When my heart aches, how long more till it learns not to ache anymore? How long more must I wait, for this to be over? How am I supposed to be okay, how am I supposed to give up on us? How did you give up on us? Teach me.
Have you ever stopped and tried to remember the girl you fell in love with? How she laughed and played and smiled for you, how she fell for you too. Have you felt happy she did? Did you feel that you were the luckiest person in the universe? Did you?
You had everything you wanted but you gave it all up, just because you're unsure about what is going to happen in the future. You let everything slip away so easily. You said its for her, you want her to be happy, happier without you, but what you don't see is how much she needed you, to make her laugh like nobody else could. How could you let her slip away? She was everything you wanted wasn't she?
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Lastly, family. So many things have been happening at home and I don't even want to talk about it here. I just hope it'lll all be okay again. I want to do something about it but.............so what if I do? I will never be enough for anyone because all I do is wrong. I really hope to make it right soon. I hope my courage will come knocking on my door again. I've lost all hope in humanity. Yes, it includes myself.
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So much said and done and again, I'm left alone, in tears. When will I ever feel fine again? Will I succeed? Will I learn to trust again? Will I make more new friends that will stick with me? Will I ever find someone that loves me as much as I love him and that he'll never ever give up on me? Looks like I'll never know for now. I'm afraid. Of the future.
For the people who read this, no matter who you are, and whether you love or hate me, I just want to say that I am sorry, if I wasn't a good enough person. They say you can't please everybody, and so, I am already doing my best. If my best isn't good enough, then I'm sorry again. I'll constantly try to improve myself. I want to be a better person; a better best friend/friend/daughter/person for myself. I need to stand up and learn. I need to be stronger. I need time, and I believe I will feel fine again someday. Thank you for being there everyone. I appreciate every single one of you.
Hugs. Till next time. ❤
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Damn
Back to love-jl because its just me. HAHA no la actually its because I can't be bothered to relink the nuffnang ad! Blog soon. Pictures are everywhere and I'm not tagged on fb coz I deactivated it for awhile :'(
Now excuse me while I engage in a soliloquy of random words that come to my head from this moment on:
Life's been really shitty to me these days. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm slowly shutting out on everyone I love. I'm too much of a mistake I realise. And the person that I needed most to get me past this turmoil has already left. I know I can't blame it on him but myself, but sometimes, everyone needs a helping hand. I still don't understand why anyone would leave me when I need them most. I hate what's happening to my family. Financial crisis? Idk what the hell my dad's doing and I haven't been talking to my mom since her son's the only right one in this fucking household. I honestly don't know how long more I can hold out. I'm getting really tired. Tired of crying, tired of laughing, tired of smiling, tired of pretending, tired of everything. When will I ever be able to feel fine? I don't need to be happy, I just need to feel fine. I need some hope in life. I've lost all hope in every single thing. I don't know how to trust people anymore because I'm always disappointed. I don't know how I'll ever feel for anyone again because the people close to me disappoint me all the time. I read my horoscope and its a bad thing with regards to my future. It said I'll have many failed marriages. I didn't want to read it but since Sarah had that app and told me about it I just read it anyways. I know its just a bloody iphone app but come on, who wouldn't be sad if he/she read that about herself? I don't know if its going to come true but it was pretty much QUITE accurate? I know the future lies in my own hands but when it comes to the future and love.........no one really can do anything because its up to the other half to make it work. I've already had 2 failed relationships. Not a lot at all but I'm someone who's very emotional and I don't like losing anyone even if its just a friend? I don't dare to get into another relationship anymore because I'm so afraid that even if I actually get married there's still a chance it'll not work out? I don't dare to take the risk. I should have thought about all this before jumping headfirst into anything in the first place. Too late to regret now. Will I ever get over the fear? I'm so afraid to let anyone else in. Cautious about every new person I meet, in fear that if I ever let my guard down I'll just get torn apart into shreds and I'll have to spend every minute picking up the pieces of me. Why are humans so scary? Why do I have to be wired in such a way that I am so emotional it gets ahead of me albeit me trying VERY hard to contain it in? In the first place will I even be able to fall for someone else again and have that same someone fall for me too? I don't have confidence in myself. No looks, no brains, no figure. What kind of a girl am I? I don't feel good enough for myself. If I don't feel good enough for myself, how am I going to be good enough for anybody? I am so stuck I need to be happy again. No I mean I need to feel fine again. Alone. I need to wake up. I think I need counselling. Going mental if I continue to allow myself to be stuck in this rut of a pity party I've been hosting since eons ago.
Very, very thankful for the people that have stood by me/gave me advice/cheered me up. Angels, I'd say. :') Y'all know who you are. X
Now excuse me while I engage in a soliloquy of random words that come to my head from this moment on:
Life's been really shitty to me these days. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'm slowly shutting out on everyone I love. I'm too much of a mistake I realise. And the person that I needed most to get me past this turmoil has already left. I know I can't blame it on him but myself, but sometimes, everyone needs a helping hand. I still don't understand why anyone would leave me when I need them most. I hate what's happening to my family. Financial crisis? Idk what the hell my dad's doing and I haven't been talking to my mom since her son's the only right one in this fucking household. I honestly don't know how long more I can hold out. I'm getting really tired. Tired of crying, tired of laughing, tired of smiling, tired of pretending, tired of everything. When will I ever be able to feel fine? I don't need to be happy, I just need to feel fine. I need some hope in life. I've lost all hope in every single thing. I don't know how to trust people anymore because I'm always disappointed. I don't know how I'll ever feel for anyone again because the people close to me disappoint me all the time. I read my horoscope and its a bad thing with regards to my future. It said I'll have many failed marriages. I didn't want to read it but since Sarah had that app and told me about it I just read it anyways. I know its just a bloody iphone app but come on, who wouldn't be sad if he/she read that about herself? I don't know if its going to come true but it was pretty much QUITE accurate? I know the future lies in my own hands but when it comes to the future and love.........no one really can do anything because its up to the other half to make it work. I've already had 2 failed relationships. Not a lot at all but I'm someone who's very emotional and I don't like losing anyone even if its just a friend? I don't dare to get into another relationship anymore because I'm so afraid that even if I actually get married there's still a chance it'll not work out? I don't dare to take the risk. I should have thought about all this before jumping headfirst into anything in the first place. Too late to regret now. Will I ever get over the fear? I'm so afraid to let anyone else in. Cautious about every new person I meet, in fear that if I ever let my guard down I'll just get torn apart into shreds and I'll have to spend every minute picking up the pieces of me. Why are humans so scary? Why do I have to be wired in such a way that I am so emotional it gets ahead of me albeit me trying VERY hard to contain it in? In the first place will I even be able to fall for someone else again and have that same someone fall for me too? I don't have confidence in myself. No looks, no brains, no figure. What kind of a girl am I? I don't feel good enough for myself. If I don't feel good enough for myself, how am I going to be good enough for anybody? I am so stuck I need to be happy again. No I mean I need to feel fine again. Alone. I need to wake up. I think I need counselling. Going mental if I continue to allow myself to be stuck in this rut of a pity party I've been hosting since eons ago.
Very, very thankful for the people that have stood by me/gave me advice/cheered me up. Angels, I'd say. :') Y'all know who you are. X
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Tippytoes
So.............. This is going to be a very very wordy post. Today I headed to Fairmont @ Raffles City for Meh's birthday suite with her friend Brenda. NOT SUIT AH SUITE!!!!!!!! It was quite awkward but oh well we survived. Tiffy, Sf and Lisa went ☺ Saw Jiayi and Haikel again. Funny ah Haikel. Cannot maintain one. Cabbed home with the dig-nose aunty Sf. Hahahaha
Got off the cab and talked about me. About the failed relationship. About how I should actually be moving on. Talked so much we actually went to the bus stop and sat down. Then we saw Charles get off Kaiting's car and inside were 2 higly intoxicated guys, Jasper and Shawn. Stopped the car, they got off. Stood there and talked for awhile before we all went home. (YES JASPER WE NEED TO BE HAPPY!!!!) Sent Sf with Charles then Charles sent me. SO LAME HAHAHAHA WE ALL LIVE A BLOCK AWAY. Nonetheless its nice seeing friends you don't really see around although you live near so yep. ☺
Time to be happy. (✿◠‿◠) Looking forward to clubbing with the girls and sentosa with the netballers!!!
٩(•̮̮̃-̃)۶ PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HEHE
Can't wait to get my pay!!!!!!! [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ιοο̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]
****
In this world full of hurt and pain,
I need someone who would help me through the rain.
To comfort me when Im sad,
Doing everything just to make me glad.
In this world I need a Brave Knight,
Who would never give up any fight.
A knight who would dry away my tears,
Telling me to overcome my fears.
A knight who loves me for who I am inside,
With him there's nothing more I need to hide.
A person who will still be standing strong,
Eventhough everything has gone wrong.
I need someone who is willing to give me more,
Someone I can call my Knight In Shining Armor.
-------------
Everyone says you're not worth it. But you are to me. What do they know? They only hear my side of the story, they only see my pain. They don't know the love we shared, they don't hear you complaining, they don't see your pain. It doesn't mean you don't hurt. Maybe you really don't, but then again, maybe you don't show it because you know its best for me. I know best. We know best. All the changes we made to our lives, all the things we did for each other. Without love we really wouldn't have done so much. Doing so much also meant commitment. It comes to a point where its not only just love, but also commitment. You give each other the power to make or break you, trusting the person not to hurt you. Commitment means no cheating, and living by the rules you both set for each other. Restrictions and all.
Truth is, everyone will hurt you. Those who hurt you most will be those you care for the most. Everyone is different. No 2 people will get along SO well they don't ever quarrel. No one. Its not fully the person's fault if he/she hurts you. Know why? Because when you care, every single thing this person does will make an impact to you. Let's say you see A and B quarrelling by the roadside. They're both strangers and you don't know them personally. B cheated on A. Would you honestly give a fuck about A? You would definitely feel sad, but would you care so much to be sad over B for A? No. That's because you're not A, and although you are sad, you don't care about B enough to be sad over B.
To you, you told me love is all about happiness. I think that you don't know enough. No matter who you're with, you will quarrel with her. Don't say there's a possibility you won't. Because if you won't, its worse. I have a friend who had a girlfriend. They never quarrelled once in their entire relationship. NEVER. Then one day he spoke up. He wanted the breakup. Guess what the girl did? Nothing. Because they both felt that they were like normal friends. Too normal they don't even quarrel. It lasted for 2 months. Love is not all about happiness. Love is about happiness, and all the other emotions you ever feel in life. While talking to Sf just now, she actually told me something that I thought was absolutely true.
"You love someone as a whole. Not only for the good parts, but for the bad parts as well. You must remember that although this person makes you sad and makes you cry, this person is also the one that will make you laugh. That will make you happy again no matter how sad you may be at one point."
Something along those lines. Also, I was thinking a lot while taking a dump in the toilet just now. I realised words mean nothing to me now. Remember how you felt so unimportant when I always said I wanted to breakup with you? I'm sorry for making you feel that way. But if you actually think back, did you realise I never really left? I was always there, I never ignored you for long. I entertained to your requests. Did you ever think why I always mentioned 'breakup'? You once told me: "Why do you always realise your mistakes only when we're at the breaking point?" That was the reason. It was only when I mentioned the words 'breakup', you would then try your best to get me back. It was only then, I saw your effort. I never really meant those words, because I never really wanted to end. I wanted us to last forever, and bring meaning to the word 'forever'. I wanted to show everyone that love lasts, and it can last forever.
Do you also realise that although I was the one that kept mentioning I wanted to give up, I am actually still here? But you, the one that 'never gives up' is actually long gone? I thought we were strong. So strong I didn't have to worry about anything. I knew that we would always be okay at the end of the day. You may think that I'm taking you for granted by saying that, but no. Because I knew I would ALWAYS be there for you no matter how tough times were, I THOUGHT you would always be there for me too. That's what I thought. Because that's what a relationship is supposed to be; being there for each other because you have committed to be. Commitment means you can never leave as and when you like it because its too tiring or tough, but instead, solve it together. I was wrong about you because you chose to leave. And because of that, I've learnt that, whatever I'm willing to do for you, you may not be willing to do the same for me. I learnt it the hard way.
Makes me very afraid. You were perfect to me. You were my boyfriend and my best friend. It really felt like I lost 2 people at once. I was lost. All of a sudden you could do anything you wanted and I was no one to stop you. You should know why I wanted to stop you. If you stopped, you stand to gain. Together or not, as long as you listened to my advice, you would stand to gain, not me. Still, its none of my business now. But even if it was a friend, I would do the same, and say the same things. I expected more out of you because I thought I was important enough to you, and for you to take my advice into consideration. But still, you took it as stress, and now, you're doing it excessively. Honestly I know you hate this because you don't want to give a fuck anymore. Think about your family, think about your future. If you want to continue doing all this and spending money like its freeflow, continue. You are so easily influenced. Yes, you only have 1 life, you want to have fun. THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN HAVING FUN, AND HAVING FUN EXCESSIVELY.
Look at yourself, look at the people around you. And think properly. Do you have the means to enjoy like they can? Ignoring problems won't solve them, it will just hide them. And when the time comes for you to deal with it, it will be too late. Health is an important issue. Without health? I can confidently tell you your future will be gone. Parents will be too old to care for you. And you? Young, but you can't even take care of yourself now, how do you take care of them in the future? When you want to, your health won't let you, this I'm damn sure. If you can eliminate the risks of cancer and bike accidents, why not? I'm not saying by not smoking/drinking you won't have a risk of cancer. What I'm saying is that if you DO smoke and drink, the risks are obviously HIGHER.
Because of this whole thing, I find it hard to trust anyone now. The person I THOUGHT would never leave no matter how hard things were(you promised, but talk is cheap, you gave up), still left in the end. I'm here standing alone. No one remembers the good things you've done. Only when you let them down do they remember it so well. While I'm here being all naggy and sad and still caring, you're probably happy drinking and smoking your life away, partying with your friends and the girl you have a crush on. I have done more than what I can do, and said more than I should say. Its all up to you, whether you want to change for YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY(not me.), or continue killing yourself slowly and ignoring every problem you face thinking it will dissolve into thin air. You don't need a break from everything. You are just too weak to deal with it.
You had me to deal it with you, but you chose to be sad and weak alone. You ever said that you'd rather be sad with me than sad alone. At least we could be sad together. Where did that spirit go to? Wake up already, before its too late. You don't have to be together with me. But please be smart and think for your family and your future because these are more important now, compared to your partying and flirting. :) I may not have been the best, but I assure you I gave you all I could. I'm losing faith in finding love again. Thank you for teaching me so many wonderful things in life, but also thanks to you, my heart is completely broken. You not only broke my heart, you took my care for you as stress, you walked on and never looked back. All I can say is, I'm sorry I was never enough. Whatever it is, I hope you're finally genuinely happy now.
✿◕ ‿ ◕✿
-----------------------
Such a long post!! I actually took 2 hours to type all that. Oh well. Now that all is said and done, its time to go to bed. Its already 7am in the freakin' morning and the birds are chirping. Hair's almost dry now, yay hehehe.
Blog again when I feel like it. X
Got off the cab and talked about me. About the failed relationship. About how I should actually be moving on. Talked so much we actually went to the bus stop and sat down. Then we saw Charles get off Kaiting's car and inside were 2 higly intoxicated guys, Jasper and Shawn. Stopped the car, they got off. Stood there and talked for awhile before we all went home. (YES JASPER WE NEED TO BE HAPPY!!!!) Sent Sf with Charles then Charles sent me. SO LAME HAHAHAHA WE ALL LIVE A BLOCK AWAY. Nonetheless its nice seeing friends you don't really see around although you live near so yep. ☺
Time to be happy. (✿◠‿◠) Looking forward to clubbing with the girls and sentosa with the netballers!!!
٩(•̮̮̃-̃)۶ PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HEHE
Can't wait to get my pay!!!!!!! [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ιοο̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]
****
In this world full of hurt and pain,
I need someone who would help me through the rain.
To comfort me when Im sad,
Doing everything just to make me glad.
In this world I need a Brave Knight,
Who would never give up any fight.
A knight who would dry away my tears,
Telling me to overcome my fears.
A knight who loves me for who I am inside,
With him there's nothing more I need to hide.
A person who will still be standing strong,
Eventhough everything has gone wrong.
I need someone who is willing to give me more,
Someone I can call my Knight In Shining Armor.
-------------
❤
Love is so weird. To me, it starts from physical attraction? Then its personality. Then you get together and show each other your true selves. True selves meaning how you both behave around your own family and friends, all your unglam moments, morning breaths, uncombed hair and such. But for all this to happen, we need Fate. I didn't ask to meet you, neither did you ask to meet me, but we still met.Everyone says you're not worth it. But you are to me. What do they know? They only hear my side of the story, they only see my pain. They don't know the love we shared, they don't hear you complaining, they don't see your pain. It doesn't mean you don't hurt. Maybe you really don't, but then again, maybe you don't show it because you know its best for me. I know best. We know best. All the changes we made to our lives, all the things we did for each other. Without love we really wouldn't have done so much. Doing so much also meant commitment. It comes to a point where its not only just love, but also commitment. You give each other the power to make or break you, trusting the person not to hurt you. Commitment means no cheating, and living by the rules you both set for each other. Restrictions and all.
Truth is, everyone will hurt you. Those who hurt you most will be those you care for the most. Everyone is different. No 2 people will get along SO well they don't ever quarrel. No one. Its not fully the person's fault if he/she hurts you. Know why? Because when you care, every single thing this person does will make an impact to you. Let's say you see A and B quarrelling by the roadside. They're both strangers and you don't know them personally. B cheated on A. Would you honestly give a fuck about A? You would definitely feel sad, but would you care so much to be sad over B for A? No. That's because you're not A, and although you are sad, you don't care about B enough to be sad over B.
To you, you told me love is all about happiness. I think that you don't know enough. No matter who you're with, you will quarrel with her. Don't say there's a possibility you won't. Because if you won't, its worse. I have a friend who had a girlfriend. They never quarrelled once in their entire relationship. NEVER. Then one day he spoke up. He wanted the breakup. Guess what the girl did? Nothing. Because they both felt that they were like normal friends. Too normal they don't even quarrel. It lasted for 2 months. Love is not all about happiness. Love is about happiness, and all the other emotions you ever feel in life. While talking to Sf just now, she actually told me something that I thought was absolutely true.
"You love someone as a whole. Not only for the good parts, but for the bad parts as well. You must remember that although this person makes you sad and makes you cry, this person is also the one that will make you laugh. That will make you happy again no matter how sad you may be at one point."
Something along those lines. Also, I was thinking a lot while taking a dump in the toilet just now. I realised words mean nothing to me now. Remember how you felt so unimportant when I always said I wanted to breakup with you? I'm sorry for making you feel that way. But if you actually think back, did you realise I never really left? I was always there, I never ignored you for long. I entertained to your requests. Did you ever think why I always mentioned 'breakup'? You once told me: "Why do you always realise your mistakes only when we're at the breaking point?" That was the reason. It was only when I mentioned the words 'breakup', you would then try your best to get me back. It was only then, I saw your effort. I never really meant those words, because I never really wanted to end. I wanted us to last forever, and bring meaning to the word 'forever'. I wanted to show everyone that love lasts, and it can last forever.
Do you also realise that although I was the one that kept mentioning I wanted to give up, I am actually still here? But you, the one that 'never gives up' is actually long gone? I thought we were strong. So strong I didn't have to worry about anything. I knew that we would always be okay at the end of the day. You may think that I'm taking you for granted by saying that, but no. Because I knew I would ALWAYS be there for you no matter how tough times were, I THOUGHT you would always be there for me too. That's what I thought. Because that's what a relationship is supposed to be; being there for each other because you have committed to be. Commitment means you can never leave as and when you like it because its too tiring or tough, but instead, solve it together. I was wrong about you because you chose to leave. And because of that, I've learnt that, whatever I'm willing to do for you, you may not be willing to do the same for me. I learnt it the hard way.
Makes me very afraid. You were perfect to me. You were my boyfriend and my best friend. It really felt like I lost 2 people at once. I was lost. All of a sudden you could do anything you wanted and I was no one to stop you. You should know why I wanted to stop you. If you stopped, you stand to gain. Together or not, as long as you listened to my advice, you would stand to gain, not me. Still, its none of my business now. But even if it was a friend, I would do the same, and say the same things. I expected more out of you because I thought I was important enough to you, and for you to take my advice into consideration. But still, you took it as stress, and now, you're doing it excessively. Honestly I know you hate this because you don't want to give a fuck anymore. Think about your family, think about your future. If you want to continue doing all this and spending money like its freeflow, continue. You are so easily influenced. Yes, you only have 1 life, you want to have fun. THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN HAVING FUN, AND HAVING FUN EXCESSIVELY.
Look at yourself, look at the people around you. And think properly. Do you have the means to enjoy like they can? Ignoring problems won't solve them, it will just hide them. And when the time comes for you to deal with it, it will be too late. Health is an important issue. Without health? I can confidently tell you your future will be gone. Parents will be too old to care for you. And you? Young, but you can't even take care of yourself now, how do you take care of them in the future? When you want to, your health won't let you, this I'm damn sure. If you can eliminate the risks of cancer and bike accidents, why not? I'm not saying by not smoking/drinking you won't have a risk of cancer. What I'm saying is that if you DO smoke and drink, the risks are obviously HIGHER.
Because of this whole thing, I find it hard to trust anyone now. The person I THOUGHT would never leave no matter how hard things were(you promised, but talk is cheap, you gave up), still left in the end. I'm here standing alone. No one remembers the good things you've done. Only when you let them down do they remember it so well. While I'm here being all naggy and sad and still caring, you're probably happy drinking and smoking your life away, partying with your friends and the girl you have a crush on. I have done more than what I can do, and said more than I should say. Its all up to you, whether you want to change for YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY(not me.), or continue killing yourself slowly and ignoring every problem you face thinking it will dissolve into thin air. You don't need a break from everything. You are just too weak to deal with it.
You had me to deal it with you, but you chose to be sad and weak alone. You ever said that you'd rather be sad with me than sad alone. At least we could be sad together. Where did that spirit go to? Wake up already, before its too late. You don't have to be together with me. But please be smart and think for your family and your future because these are more important now, compared to your partying and flirting. :) I may not have been the best, but I assure you I gave you all I could. I'm losing faith in finding love again. Thank you for teaching me so many wonderful things in life, but also thanks to you, my heart is completely broken. You not only broke my heart, you took my care for you as stress, you walked on and never looked back. All I can say is, I'm sorry I was never enough. Whatever it is, I hope you're finally genuinely happy now.
✿◕ ‿ ◕✿
-----------------------
Such a long post!! I actually took 2 hours to type all that. Oh well. Now that all is said and done, its time to go to bed. Its already 7am in the freakin' morning and the birds are chirping. Hair's almost dry now, yay hehehe.
Blog again when I feel like it. X
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
{◕ ◡ ◕}
Shisha with Ml, Lt and Wy on Saturday
Marina Barrage with the same babies + Sw,
Shisha again with Sarah and Errol!
Pictures up/edit this post when I get them all he he he :)
Work in 2 hours. How to wake up in time? Idk.
Marina Barrage with the same babies + Sw,
Shisha again with Sarah and Errol!
Pictures up/edit this post when I get them all he he he :)
Work in 2 hours. How to wake up in time? Idk.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Life
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts.
Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts.
Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."
c'est la vie
Been thinking a lot.
To let go, or not to let go?
But I haven't came to a conclusion.
If I let go, what if he has reasons behind letting me go and he's going to come back, just that its not now, not soon, but he's just going to no matter what? What if he believes I'll hold on despite him asking me to let go? What if he believes in our love but he's tired so he wants a break from all therelationshiprelationshit? What if he's missing me everyday too but he's tired for now?
If I don't, what if he's planning to forget me forever? What if he meets another girl 2 days later and thinks that she's the one? Besides, he's happy without me, with all his friends around him while I'm here being stupidly sad for a reason that is actually an excuse for me to continue being sad? What if some pretty girls expresses her interest in him and he gets together with her instantly?
Seriously...........................major sian. I know the love is definitely there, but I still don't know what to do. Predicament. Soooooooo many what-ifs. Too many. Don't even know why I'm blogging about this because its so private? Oh well no one reads anyway. Even if anyone does I believe they're nice and they won't judge. :) And since they won't judge...might as well.
Been facing a lot of problems. Polytechnics not replying my emails, SIM fees steep as hell, MDIS not very recognised so I don't know if I should take my diploma there, haven't officially quit school so I have a feeling I'll be receiving warning letters soon. My life is a mess but I'm on my way to fixing it very soon. Finally found a job, and I call even call Agness to get my ass back into USS. Should I? :) Maybe after all Eka's jobs are done. Meaning those I promised I'd work for. Then I'll decide. Honestly Eka's quite fun? So yeah we'll see. :) I'll probably end up in SIM anyway, and continue working for Eka. HAHA
Then............friend problems. Just one friend. BACKSTABBER. I'll be careful now because I know ;) If we could be so close(ok maybe only on my side because I thought we were), but you choose to backstab me to our in-charge because I wasn't there and thinking I wouldn't hear it..............YOU DESERVED TO BE DITCHED BY YOUR CLIQUE.
If you actually read this and know who you are, good for you my dear. Because its due time you actually changed. I actually approached you and said you backstabbed but you came up with excuses. HA. 'Its because Joey doesn't like him!!' I don't know if you're hearing things but I did NOT say I didn't like him. Ever. I bet if I was beside you you wouldn't have said the same things. THAT'S BACKSTAB TO ME. Just so you know. :) I don't know how you're gonna explain or if you're even gonna explain but I'm disappointed in you. I'm not even angry. Life and its irony. So tired of dealing with fake people already. Shall just smile and live happy. :)
HAHAHAHAHAHA EPIC FACE OH GOSH. CHOCOLATE CHIP BESIDE MY NOSE HAHA JOKING ITS JUST MY MOLE LOL
Don't understand why people make fun of my mole though. Never see mole before meh????? Or they just want to make me feel insecure???? I THINK ITS NICE AND IM PROUD OF IT. So what if its on my face??? HEHEHEHEHE YOU WANT ALSO DON'T HAVE ;)
The next time people make fun of my moley I AM JUST GOING TO SHUT THEM UP BY SAYING ITS A TATTOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK I'M OFF!
Love, moley girl ;)
Time will tell, Fate will bring.
To let go, or not to let go?
But I haven't came to a conclusion.
If I let go, what if he has reasons behind letting me go and he's going to come back, just that its not now, not soon, but he's just going to no matter what? What if he believes I'll hold on despite him asking me to let go? What if he believes in our love but he's tired so he wants a break from all the
If I don't, what if he's planning to forget me forever? What if he meets another girl 2 days later and thinks that she's the one? Besides, he's happy without me, with all his friends around him while I'm here being stupidly sad for a reason that is actually an excuse for me to continue being sad? What if some pretty girls expresses her interest in him and he gets together with her instantly?
Seriously...........................major sian. I know the love is definitely there, but I still don't know what to do. Predicament. Soooooooo many what-ifs. Too many. Don't even know why I'm blogging about this because its so private? Oh well no one reads anyway. Even if anyone does I believe they're nice and they won't judge. :) And since they won't judge...might as well.
Been facing a lot of problems. Polytechnics not replying my emails, SIM fees steep as hell, MDIS not very recognised so I don't know if I should take my diploma there, haven't officially quit school so I have a feeling I'll be receiving warning letters soon. My life is a mess but I'm on my way to fixing it very soon. Finally found a job, and I call even call Agness to get my ass back into USS. Should I? :) Maybe after all Eka's jobs are done. Meaning those I promised I'd work for. Then I'll decide. Honestly Eka's quite fun? So yeah we'll see. :) I'll probably end up in SIM anyway, and continue working for Eka. HAHA
Then............friend problems. Just one friend. BACKSTABBER. I'll be careful now because I know ;) If we could be so close(ok maybe only on my side because I thought we were), but you choose to backstab me to our in-charge because I wasn't there and thinking I wouldn't hear it..............YOU DESERVED TO BE DITCHED BY YOUR CLIQUE.
If you actually read this and know who you are, good for you my dear. Because its due time you actually changed. I actually approached you and said you backstabbed but you came up with excuses. HA. 'Its because Joey doesn't like him!!' I don't know if you're hearing things but I did NOT say I didn't like him. Ever. I bet if I was beside you you wouldn't have said the same things. THAT'S BACKSTAB TO ME. Just so you know. :) I don't know how you're gonna explain or if you're even gonna explain but I'm disappointed in you. I'm not even angry. Life and its irony. So tired of dealing with fake people already. Shall just smile and live happy. :)
HAHAHAHAHAHA EPIC FACE OH GOSH. CHOCOLATE CHIP BESIDE MY NOSE HAHA JOKING ITS JUST MY MOLE LOL
Don't understand why people make fun of my mole though. Never see mole before meh????? Or they just want to make me feel insecure???? I THINK ITS NICE AND IM PROUD OF IT. So what if its on my face??? HEHEHEHEHE YOU WANT ALSO DON'T HAVE ;)
The next time people make fun of my moley I AM JUST GOING TO SHUT THEM UP BY SAYING ITS A TATTOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OK I'M OFF!
Love, moley girl ;)
Time will tell, Fate will bring.
I just came to say Hello
No I don't want to be like that. I shall....................
Pictures of my friends and I when I feel like it hehehehehehehe
Friday, November 4, 2011
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