I just feel like giving up. Yet I think of how wonderful we would be, and then I hang on. I don't know what to feel. To feel happy because you didn't say no, or to feel sad because you didn't agree to it and you can just shirk it off when the time comes.
You're tired, that's probably why it has slipped your mind that I'm probably the most difficult girl in the universe that needs all the love, care and attention. I'll not bother you because I do not want to fight with you any more. I do not want to cause you those unnecessary stress again. You know I'll always be here, waiting for you to come back.I don't know if we'll eventually make it. I don't know if you would be willing to give us that one chance. I don't know if I can stay strong till the time comes. Its 2 years +/- a month from now. I don't know what will come between us; a new person in your life, or someone in mine. I don't know what the future has in store for us. However as of now, I sincerely wish that my effort will pay off. I'm really sorry I pushed you away again and again. Its what I do when I'm afraid. I won't do that anymore. I never wanted you to go away.
6 months of constantly drowning in tears for the same reason is really dumb. I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that I've made the other people I love, worry for me. I'm thankful and I'm sorry. Not everything is as easy as when it is said. People can give me all sorts of advice, but at the end of the day, it boils down to one thing: What people may deem as stupidity, is true love in my eyes (and heart and mind). What we shared was something only we both know. We may tell others how we feel and all..but in the end, they can only try to feel how we feel. They don't really feel it do they? Even if they went through similar circumstances, they wouldn't be able to feel the exact same thing we did.
All I need is for you to give it a shot. Because now that we know what was wrong, we'll be able to solve it when we need to, because we know how to. I believe in you, and I hope you'll believe in me too. For better or for worse. I'll never leave you facing anything alone.
Because when I'm angry, I just need to walk away to catch a breather instead of hearing those angry, hurtful words you hurl at me while I keep quiet.
Because when I'm sad, all I need is a hug without any words, and I'll be okay.
Because when I'm confused, you don't have to give me advice; by just being there, I'll be able to find foot and know where I should head to next.
Because when I'm stressed, all you have to do is buy me my favourite snacks, or whip up my favourite bacon egg noodles. After pigging out, you know I'll be okay.
Because when you're angry, I have to stay there and listen to what you have to say, then cool down and answer you.
Because when you're sad, all you need is a listening ear and a peck on the cheek to make you smile again.
Because when you're confused, all you need is a piece of advice, then you'll know what to do because 1) my advice obviously sucks, 2) you know that what I tell you isn't going to work out, so you have an idea of what to do next.
Because when you're stressed, all I have to do is listen. To hear you out, instead of trying to 'make things better' by distracting you with other stuff. All you expect out of me is to listen to you.
And if you ask me why I'm so bent on you giving it a shot...to be honest, I know it will turn out right. Its the feeling we both shared that makes me go on though. And so much more I don't know how and where to start.
So....keeping in mind the things we've learnt from each other, can we forget everything and start afresh? I promise you it will be worth it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
All that said, I only wish for things to get better from here. Somehow its getting worse for me. Life has been really shitty for me words can't express how bruised, battered and broken I actually am right now.
Please Life, pretty please, please get better from now on. Let my family be strong enough to get over this crisis together. Heal my broken heart, and everything else of me that is broken. Let my brother grow into someone of good intellect, and let him be able to tell who is genuine to him and who is not. Let my parents fall in love once again, and let their love set them ablaze. Let all the good come so we have the strength to fight off the bad if it ever comes back(please fuck off far far). Let everything fall into place and let it stay that way. Life, be good. Forgive me for all my wrongdoings. I promise I'll be good from now on.
School's starting in a month's time for me........new environment, new people, new curriculum. I want to excel in school. I will make it happen. Going to make myself super busy with schoolwork and CCA and everything else enriching. Looking forward to a fun-filled and fruitful school life already. Happy just thinking of it. :-)
I pray for everything to be okay, for health, wealth, and happiness. For my family and friends, and all the people around them. And me. :-) I shall try to stay as positive as I can. J, be strong. You can do it.
Tough times don't last, tough people do.
And just sometimes, I wish you were here to numb my pain. I'd be so much stronger knowing that you'd be with me. Nevermind that. Time will tell, and time will numb my pain.
Goodbye, you. Till we meet again. :-)
